So Lexi is here. Whoop, whoop! It’s been awesome having him here. The gossip, the name calling, the dancing, everything has just been great. When I told a friend that I was having a friend over for the weekend, he asked why it would be so much fun if sex won’t be involved. I was irritated by that comment. But oh well…
Lexi and I were watching Orange Is The New Black, and its quite funny. Oyibo prison sef *rolls eyes to China* We got introduced to the transgender guy, and Lexi came face to face with feeling uncomfortable with the way someone can make the decision to live his life in his own terms, however unpopular that lifestyle may be. Lexi didn’t see why a man would want to become a woman. And it irritated him. And then, he realised that that’s how straight fellows must see being gay to be. But he did however try to understand. Which is the most we can say, since some of us feel like our opinions are final, and if you are of a different mindset, then you are on the wrong track.
The screen of my phone has finally gone bad. Like really bad. Nothing shows on it again. Thankfully, a warranty covers it, so I don’t have to pay to repair it. It was all so sudden. One thing, me and Lexi were making a recording of me playing the guitar to put on YouTube, and next thing my phone screen is fading and flickering with lines all over. The people at the Samsung office say the hairline cracking it had received must be taking its toll. That sucks. I’m to get it back in seven working days, but we all know that it would probably be like two, three weeks before its fixed.
I want to get a replacement phone, but there’s no money. So all the people that love me… Now would be a good time to show that love and ask me to inbox the digits of my account number.
I’m thinking of putting ‘Life As He Knows It’ on a short break. It seems like school has stifled the creative burst I felt while at home. I know the way I want the story to play out, but putting it down on paper has been an issue. Right now, I’m even grasping for what to put down in this journal. This school sucks my spirit dry.
Ooh! I was going through a jotter of mine from my A-level school when I came across some poems I wrote. A-level was a dark point in my life. I had just been outed to my family. I was struggling with the “Can I change question”, wrestling with religion, wondering why I’m like this and diving into a psychology textbook in search of answers and hopefully a cure. I’d go online to read stories and search for people who have changed. It was just hectic and I remember the place as a dark gloomy place where the only joy I got was from midnight calls with my first love, Adam.
Anyways, here’s a poem. It’s not pornography and I wouldn’t call it exceptionally good, but it was a form of release from the jumbled state of my emotions.
I feel like running away
To a quiet place
Where no one can see my face
Cause I’m scared of what people would see
Cause I’m scared of feelings that shouldn’t be
I feel like running away
To a lonely place
Where I can sing, free like a bird
Where I can be what I want to be
Where I can see what I want to see
Cause this world is full of troubles
Troubles that trouble me
Troubles that won’t let me be
This world is full of eyes that stare
Eyes that make me fear my fears
It probably sounds incomplete. Lol. It does to me. I think I wrote it after my trip to New Castle. My mum and I were at the airport and she was lamenting about how she doesn’t know me anymore, how she doesn’t trust me. And I just felt like one of the men in her life that have failed her. Lol. I was supposed to be the perfect one. I tried to be perfect. For her. Because I love her so much, and she’s done and sacrificed so much for me and my brothers. But I had failed. And it was eating me up inside. I’d flashback to her tears and her prayers and I would pray God would answer them for her so life would be perfect.
But, no. Even then, I was still checking out the white meat around me, fascinated by a guy with a tattoo, wondering if I could sneak away to a gay club and check it out. Lol.
I wish I had lots of stuff to write today. But I don’t. On that melancholy note, I leave you.
Written by James