FOREWORD: Another Kitodiariesian is marking his birthday on the blog, today. He is Xpressive JBoy, and he turns…well, not so old that he can’t still werk it in the bedroom, I think. Lol

Anyway, to commemorate his birthday, he has the offering below. Read and enjoy.

And Happy Birthday, JBoy.


Blog_Suits & TiesSo, it’s me, JBoy, and I’m still employed in this workplace where we’re all supposed to be buttoned up and decked out in our suits and ties. I have colleagues, a number of them, but I do not have friends among them. Well, not until several weeks back.

There was co-worker in another department whose acquaintance I made. Let’s call him Luke. Average looks. Average station. Although there was absolutely nothing average about what he has upstairs. Luke is incredibly intelligent. And I’m sapiosexual, so it didn’t take too much for the walls I erected over my inner self to shake to their foundations when he smiled at me that first afternoon, as he asked to accompany me for lunch break. Lunch together led to more lunches together. And then we exchanged numbers. And then he started dropping in on me at my department. And then I started dropping in on him at his department. And then, we started waiting up for each other at the close of work. And then, we were chatting endlessly on Whatsapp. And then, we were sharing jokes and huddling together in corners, giggling and enjoying the moments we shared together.


We quickly became close. Very close. So close that I started to long for him more intimately. So close that some of our co-workers started to go ‘Hmm, you two sef’ on us. And then, a colleague, Ben (remember that guy who perused my new phone, and may or may not have stumbled on some KD links in my Facebook inbox? #SuitsAndTiesPartOne) yea, he stopped before Luke and I one morning, fixed a beady stare on me, then on Luke, then on me, before saying, “It will be heartbreaking if you two are what I think. Just saying. Your closeness is quite uncommon. It will be truly heartbreaking.”

“As long as it’s just your heart that is breaking, that’s fine by me,” I riposted, a rejoinder which tickled Luke to laughter and caused Ben to scowl at me.

In his pocket abeg!

However, his words made me uncomfortable. And soon after this happened, there came a shift in my relationship with Luke, a subtle depth, an inch deeper in a direction that unnerved me; when he started dropping oh-so-casually, in our chats, words like ‘You are my one and only’ and ‘my dearest.’ First I was attracted to his intelligence, now I found myself falling heavily for him. I was yearning for him. His kiss. His touch. His warmth. It all felt too much, too overwhelming.

And instead of plunging in this new territory, instead of letting myself sink further in the quagmire of emotions I was feeling for the guy who, for all intents and purposes, was straight, I started withdrawing from him. Instinctively, I started avoiding him. I responded less and less to his chats. And I stopped going to see him in his office. He noticed my coolness and confronted me, with the complaint that he was seeing less of me.

We were alone in that corridor when he accosted me. “Why are you avoiding me, JBoy?” he asked, a bit plaintively.

I thought about denying that, but I had to give him some credit. So I said as tonelessly as I could manage, “It should be so.”

“Why? What are you talking about?”

I suddenly felt a longing to unburden myself a bit. So I replied, “I’m avoiding you because I think I might be developing some feelings for you.”

There, I’ve said it. Now what? I thought, feeling my heart thud faster as I stared pensively at him.

He stared back.

There was silence.

Then he heaved a sigh and said, “Is that how you develop feelings for others?”

Okay, A: He hadn’t even tried to act clueless, like he didn’t know what I was talking about. That meant that he was also giving me some credit. Good for him. And, B: Others? All of a sudden, I wasn’t sure I wanted us to go where he was steering us toward. I wasn’t ready.

So I answered, “I don’t know what you mean by ‘others.’ All I know is I was developing unusual feelings for you. And that had me worried. So I felt it would be best if I maintained some distance from you.”

“It won’t be best,” he countered.

“What then do you propose?”

“We should remain friends. And as for those feelings, we can pray about them, ask God to help you get rid of them –”

“Stop right there!” I snapped. I was suddenly angry, as I always get when obnoxious Nigerians act like homosexuality is just a minor spiritual inconvenience. “Just stop there. I’m not possessed. What I feel is natural, and after this conversation, I’m not even sure I’ll be feeling them again.”

On that note, I stalked past him. Our friendship cooled considerably after that, and we barely saw each other, reverting to cordial formality when we did run into each other.

Now, all this time Luke and I were writing our story in the scrolls of time, in the company, there’s this young woman who is somewhat close to him. They’re friends, the much I can see. But office talk has been dogging their relationship, speculation that they could be an item. Her name is, well, Monica. And neither she nor Luke has ever bothered to debunk the speculation.

So about a week after Luke and I had our tiff, I’d gone to the company kitchenette to attend to a minor breakfast concern, and was on my way back out when I ran into Luke on his way out of the gents. That awkward moment when you run into your kinda sorta ex. We quickly overcame the awkward moment and started a light conversation as we strolled toward my wing of the office floor.

On our way, we met Monica. She appeared to be in good spirits and fell into step beside us, walking on the other side of Luke, away from me. A fleeting thought went through my mind, of us – Monica and I – as consorts flanking our oga at the top – Luke.

As though she’d picked up on that thought, Monica suddenly said, “Hmm, I don’t know whether I have a rival or competitor in this matter o.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“The two of you nah,” she replied with a grin. “Every time I see you two, you’re always in compromising positions.”

I was briefly startled by her remark. I stared at her for a moment. That grin of hers made it difficult for me to know if she was kidding or deadly serious. Luke reacted to her words with a small laugh.

I blurted out, “Uh, compromising positions? When and how was that?”

“My own is, I’m always seeing you two gisting intimately.” That grin, that goddamned grin, was still there.

So perhaps she was joking?

She must be, because Luke was laughing.

So I decided to play along. “Oh, so that’s the problem, eh?” I said teasingly.

“Yels. Yels, that is my problem.”

By this time, we’d gotten to my office. As we filed into the moderate space filled with various work stations behind which sat my various colleagues, Monica suddenly cleared her throat and began melodramatically, in a loud voice, as though addressing a congregation, “My people, I have a complaint to lodge here.”

One by one, faces looked up from their computers to focus on the three of us, on her.

“Are you people hearing me,” she said theatrically. “I said I have a complaint to lodge.”

“Oya, lodge it fast nah,” someone said.

“If you like, hostel it,” another added.

“Or guesthouse it too join,” quipped yet another.

There was a rumble of laughter.

“Let me just say my own o,” Monica took up the reins again. “I want to say that I’m not happy with JBoy and Luke.” She pointed at us, as though everyone else couldn’t already see us standing there beside her. “In fact, I’ve been watching them, and I’m starting to wonder if I have a rival. You people should help me and judge this matter o.”

If I am Caucasian, in that moment, my face would have been so red, it could have sat in a bucket of tomatoes, and you wouldn’t be able to tell us apart. I couldn’t believe this girl. I just couldn’t.

Comprehension however came slowly to her audience. At first, they stared blankly at us, as though waiting for one of us to drop the punch line of the joke.

Monica dropped it. She went on with, “You people are not hearing me? I said I’m not happy, because I don’t know if Luke and JBoy are doing anything that will warrant fourteen years.”

And then, they began to get it. Some started to chuckle. I turned to Luke, to see how he was taking this. Unbelievably, he was chuckling too.

Somebody began, “Oh, so you mean –”

“Eh, whatever you’re thinking,” Monica cut in, “is what I’m implying.”

There was more laughter at this. Their interest had been piqued. My colleagues can kukuma like anything that is potentially scandalous. One of them stood from his seat and queried, as he looked from Luke to me, “So abeg, tell us, who is doing who? Who is on top?”

Amidst the ribald laughter that greeted his cheeky question, Luke answered with a sly grin, “You should know who should be on top nah. Obviously I am.”

More laughter.

Jeezuz! I could not believe my senses.

“Oh, oh, no wonder…” someone else burst out with a clap of her hands.

“No wonder what?” another person asked her.

Before she replied, I knew what she’d been oh-no-wonder-ing about. You see, awhile ago, there was this female client of the company who’d been hitting on me. At first subtly, and then quite openly, so much so that it became obvious to those in my department. But I never gave the woman the time of day. I mean, seriously, what am I going to do with her vagina? Plait the pubic hair around it? My lack of interest, too, became apparent to my colleagues.

And so, presently, this witch said again, “Oh, no wonder.” Then she swept her eyes over me, a tad insolently, before adding, “Such a biatch.”

Oh no, she didn’t! This daughter of Jezebel did not just call em a biatch! Someone had better tell her that my mouth bad pass her own o!

However, the rest of the office seemed to be enjoying this theatric interlude, judging from the boisterous laughter. Luke. Monica. Jezebel’s daughter. Everyone else.

Me? I didn’t know what to feel. I felt myself vacillating between amusement, outrage, and extreme annoyance. Arranging my face in a wooden expression, I walked away from the ‘film set’ and to my desk. It must have then dawned on them that I was not enjoying the drama, because I was inundated with a chorus of ‘Ah, ah, JBoy, no vex, na joke nah.’

Yes, keep joking, I wanted to tell them. It’s all good. Today, it’s a joke. Tomorrow, who knows? Maybe this is the hand of fate. Maybe this is all a grand design to make my coming out to you a lot more easier.

Written by Xpressive JBoy

56 thoughts on “SUITS AND TIES (Part 2)

  1. Hmmm.
    That your Luke friend sef.
    Well, let’s pray about the unusual feelings. Prayers can make them go away because obviously you’re possessed by the gay spirit. 😉

    No be talk am o, JBoy.
    Nice story, by the way.

  2. Happy birthday, Jboy. May ur positive aspirations come true with moments of joy and laughter. “Sapiosexual” a Kdiarian I was charting with was the first to introduce me to that word.A well written piece, no doubt. Some jokes are sometimes taken too far but if you ask me,for our health,s sake,we should always see reason to laugh with others no matter what.

  3. HBD jboy, is your work place in lagos? If so kindly drop an invite for me to come help start 5th world war. Arrant rubbish to both Nica, UKE, and that daughter of wicked jeZY.

    Enjoy your day my dear don’t allow all those bad condinments to spoil your good cooking. Wishing you all the best.

  4. Haven read and reread your piece, I just want to wish you, jboy, a stunning birthday. I do hope you find plenty reasons to smile today and always.
    obatala has a gift for you.
    how do you get it?

  5. Happy birthday Jboy!
    D good Lord would lift U to a height only He can.enjoy and hv fun.
    Someday,I’d b as half as good as U guys in writting.

  6. Wow. Happy birthday dear. May you live to see all ur dreams come true. Ur office sha! I think I sort like Luke sha. Office drama always juicy but me no wan dey the middle of any. Lol

  7. Happy birthday JBoy

    Don’t count the candles, just keep the flame burning!

    Have a blast!

    Btw, you are a beautiful man! Wow

  8. Happy bday jboy! Those ur colleagues need d taste slapped outta their mouths! And that Luke…I don’t get it when “straight” guys decide to use terms of endearment on another man (“…u are my one and only…my dearest…”) and then when u make ur feelings known to them,they be like “I’m not gay…U need Jesus…I can help stop dis habit…”. I mean, wtf? Who has time for that complicated foolishness?
    Anyways, hav a wonderful day, Jboy…
    (OAN: I wouldn’t have thought u were sapiosexual at all b4 now o…)

    • Chestnut, u took d darned thing outta my mouth. They shud just stop it. My hormones run overtime with calling me ‘Ada’, ‘Babe’ n with those useless “What av u had” questions they ask their baes. Nonsense.
      Happy Birthday Cher. Nobody does friday birthdays again kwa??

      • Lol…jboy dear, u know I mean no harm; any perceived shade was totally unintentional,I promise…I guess it’s just a part of u you don’t show regularly on KD. Happy bday again papi!

  9. Happy Birthday dear.. May God bless ur efforts and keep u strong and healthy.. I like the character of luke. I think he is straight and very tolerant. He is sure of himself and would not allow small office gossip to disturb him. As for u, there is no smoke without fire, u should be careful with ur colleagues cus they ain’t joking. Infact tread with caution, they are serpents.. once Again, Happy Birthday and do have urself a splendid day.. cheers

  10. “We should remain friends. And as for those feelings, we can pray about them, ask God to help you get rid of them –”

    I never “hexpererit”… The workplace is a dangerous place to nuture feelings…
    Watching your colleagues make fun of something like that can be heart wrenching…

  11. You’ll be like, “if only they know”. Uhm, what’s the name of that man of God who delivers homosexuals from gay demons again?

  12. Happy Birthday Jboy.. Thinking of it, a quickie with Luke at the office wouldn’t be a bad Bday gift.. Have a blast…..

      • Happy birthday dearest JBoy, may your life be colourful as the rainbow and attract every good thing God has in stock for you. Congratulations! **blow out the candles and make a wish**

  13. Happy Birthday Jboy…. Wishing you many more happy and successful years ahead… This story is one good reason y I love minding my business… Some people would make it their life’s call of duty to endear you to themselves, then when u try to return the favour…Aha.. The anti-gay vuvuzela sounds…and then you feel much worse than you actually met them in the first place…

  14. “what am I going to do with her vagina? Plait the pubic hair around it? ” #faints ROTFL!!!! Any ways happy buff day my sweeerie , creamie , sexy jboy!!! Do contact me 4 ur birthday splash!!! *flips hair*

  15. Happy Birthday Baby! We Scorpios rock *wink. I wish you many many fabulous years ahead!
    Anyways free the office people, I’ve learnt the best way to deal with them is at an arms length…

  16. For about two weeks now, i have been reading various KD on dis sight. I am in abuja though but have never dated and as a matter of fact my frnds r straight, initially i wanted dating but d little experience i had with some g guys i met when i came to abj for d national service made call it off. I have dis question for d house…does dating work in Nigeria?

  17. Na wa o. People making jokes of other people’s real lives. Smh. It is well…
    OAN: Your writing is superb! It’s amazingly well-written. Told with just enough suspense and intrigue. Not many people would know how to turn a true experience into an interesting read. I really enjoyed it.
    Hope you had a happy birthday.

  18. To the good people in the house, may I steal this opportunity to say many thanks to you for making my day special. It couldn’t have been complete without you.
    Thank you for celebrating and appreciating me.
    I’m most grateful. God bless you indeed.

    Merci et que Dieu vous bénisse.

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