I AM DONE!

a0004-000006Leviticus 18:22 – Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin. (NLT)

Every day, I pretend this part of the Bible doesn’t exist. I mean, I have tried over and over again to fight this feeling, but it is not going anywhere. I try to be normal and do normal things but what does that even mean? I really do love the Lord and I want to live my life to please Him. I can try not to lie. I can try not to kill my super annoying boss. I can even try to keep my body till I get married but… Wait a minute. Who am I keeping this body for? My wife? I am not even attracted to girls.

This is the struggle of me and thousands of guys in the church. You feel a certain way, but the Church says that’s not how to feel. If you are gay, then there is a chance you are possessed. I mean a pastor once said Homosexuality is a spirit and he will pray it out of any gay man.

So I have done it all. I have prayed, fasted, done deliverance and asked God to take it away. But no matter how hard I try, I am back to square one. Still attracted to men like me.

Some say I am not trying hard enough. “If you really want to change, you will.” That is what I hear regularly. That is an interesting statement, considering that I like to wake up every day feeling like crap; hoping that someday I will end up in jail.

At this point, you may realise that this article has no head or tail. Let’s just call it a rant.

I am done! I am tired! If God wants me straight, He’d have to change me Himself because I can’t do this anymore. I want to be able to love openly and live life freely. I want to be able to be myself without inhibitions. I want to be able to go out in public and hold hands with the person I am in love. Living life in the shadows can be depressing and it can get tiring. I am willing and ready for change. I will gladly give up this life for another one, as long as in that life I am happy and “normal.”

Until then, I am living life one day at a time. Loving who I want and finding joy in the little things, because I am done!

Written by Adamu Akande

63 thoughts on “I AM DONE!

  1. Adamu, ain’t we all done…most gay sisters in Nigeria are living one day at a time and hoping things change for better. Until then, just like you said, am done trying to be what they want. I choose and I dare to be different.

      • That’s not my identity, please. So I find no peace with it. I’m not a sister. I’m gay. But I’m a gay brother. If you use it in jest, that’s fine. But if you actually mean it, like you say you did, then we have a problem. So please, we ain’t all that. At least I’m not.

      • There pinky, “ain’t that what we all are?” is not seeking to create identity as it doesn’t make us sisters, buh we sometimes refer to ourselves as “My sister” during discussions and no one has gone to jail for it. I thought that’s what we are doing-having a virtual discussion-or is KD a “comment and go” blog? Am sorry o if u felt bad the way that came out, it wasn’t intended to offend.

      • Bia Pink Panther back off! It was just a silly comment. He was joking! What is it with you these days?
        Pre-menopausal are we?

      • Pinky, I’m here now…Dennis,u sef back off *tongue out*…some ppl feel “strange”, being assigned a gender that they’re not; “gay man” doesn’t necessarily translate to “woman” . For ppl that don’t mind,it’s fine…some men prefer being adressed as men, some men prefer being adressed as WOmen; to each his own sha…pinky already knows which one he prefers to be adressed as… And so do I.
        #RunsAwayB4DennisComes4Me

      • Hian.Max,u too? I thot we didn’t like d largely perpetuted stereotypes abt gay ppl,up in here on KD…I’m sorry but placing ppl in that box is “somehow” to me. I find it weird to imply that a gay man is NOT a man,just becos he sleeps with men, even d most “gifted” Power-bottoms…u here statements like “dat one nah madam, no be man at all”…as in, gay men should not be seen as men anymore

      • @Chestnut, I think you misconstrued my statement… I don’t like being referred to as a sister too.. But I can take it as a joke occasionally..
        I was trying to say that clearly pinky is in a bad mood.. In other words they should just back off..

      • But we have been calling you “Aunty” all this while and you didn’t complain. Why today? Whah happened? Did you see Jesus last night? Has the price of Always in the market risen again? Diarris god ooooh….! *weeping profusely* 😛

      • Forgive me, but I find it offensive when people refer to gay ppl as “women”, yes its something I got use to when I started visiting this blog, and felt like it was just a regular joke when people refer to others as “sister”. I even remembered asking pinky if the majority of the ppl here are buttoms. We spend a great deal of energy trying not to allow the society define us by using terms and rules that they consider as norms for us, but we are quick to slap it on ourselves. Like pinky I thought it was just a joke until I saw “well thought out” I am a man who ls attracted to other men. Am in no shape or form a woman or want to be addressed as one! Its the mindset of some of us and we would appreciate it if everyone take note. Its difficult already to communicate this fact to the world, must we struggle to communicate it with ppl that we are in the same struggle with????

  2. “I will gladly give up this life for another one,
    as long as in that life I am happy and ‘normal.’ ”

    On a serious note though, I’ve thought about that sentiment you expressed above and beyond the fact that if I were straight I wouldn’t be harassed for my sexuality, I don’t think there’s anything attractive about trading. I’m happy to be here, as I am. I cringe to think how insensitive or ignorant or clueless or UNQUESTIONING I might have turned out if I didn’t understand firsthand what it means to be “disadvantaged”. Like they say: Who no go, no know. Adversity wrings out the best in us. Utilize it. It’s easier for me to understand other people’s problems especially ones that have to do with a loss of privilege because I live it.

    So please, eh, as my mum will say when I’m sad: Be happy. Some issues in life are pretty much out of our hands. Hugs.

  3. Adamu, if only you could get to the Synagogue, TB Joshua would just throw you in a swimming pool full of straight guys and viola, you’re delivered! lol

  4. I feel you man! I had to make this same decision last year @ age 27. Acceptance can really be a struggle, it just been a case of one step at a time. I caved in to maintain my sanity. Happiness is still a long shot away, but you just start by keeping ur sanity together first and gain control of the depression that comes with decades of living in denial.

  5. I believe that the Bible is more current than tomorrow’s newspapers. I also know that to understand the Bible one has to understand the mind of God and sometimes the history of the people that lived in Bible times. Having said this,I believe that Lev 18 vs 21-22 was warning God,s children not to emulate their neighbours who apart from sacrificing their children as part of their religion was also practicing “temple prostitution” as a way of religion. In other words, in my opinion, God was against homosexuality when it’s done ritualistically. He is a jealous God.He doesn’t condone the worship of other gods

      • “God is against homosexuality WHEN ITS DONE RITUALISTICALLY”???? Really? Is someone singing a new tune? And it never ceases to amaze me how one scripture can have a million interpretations.

      • I actually try as much as I can not to say some of these things. Its safer 4 an individual to discover them himself. The Bible is not a one way traffic and it’s not contradictory. That’s my conviction

      • These religidiots never cease to amaze me, anyways thats what you get when you stubbornly try to squeeze your entire existence into the box created by a 4000yr old book written by a bunch of jews who lived in a different time & a very different world… and the authors were smart enough to craft its verses in vague and opaque language thereby ensuring that the words could be twisted and tweaked by anyone to suit any purpose …. Ritualistic purpose my ass!!!

      • Religidiots? That’s a new one! Wao. Let me suggest new words like “religiphobia, “religioscient”. I shall give out the meaning for a fee…*takes cover against potential bullets*

    • I actually agree with gad on this. His position is the correct position.
      Besides, ALL religious texts are open to interpretation.
      In fact, religion IS interpretation.

      You may want to Google and read the Catholic theologian James Alison. I find his insights very refreshing.

      • I just google James allison and was blessed with the full texts of his presentation @ catholic Bishops, synod held about a fortnight ago.This is a must read for all gays who are still struggling with their sexuality or who has the passion to help the struggling. Legalkoboko, I feel greatly indebted to you for this insight. If God were to manifest to the world to today in an ad-hoc manner,He will surprise and shock many of us.People who think they are fighting for God are actually making God their enemy by their acts.I just remembered Ezeulu in Chinua Achebe,s “Arrow Of God”

  6. One word;

    Love yourself!

    I have decided to live free of what this or any book says. It is my journey, and it has given me peace of mind.

  7. Hmm. *in Mary Lambert’s voice* “I can’t change even if I try, even if I wanted to. My love…” Ok. The thing is ehn, how many of us would live freely – like come out of closets if the anti-gay bill is removed from the law whatever.. Though, we were still doing our thing before the bill was passed. But, we felt ok with it since we were not at the risk of going to jail. Ok, you understood what I wrote, shey? (Too many words)

    • I will… Maybe you’re not tired of introducing your bf as a friend…but I am…

      I wanna be able to show affection like other ppl…

      Yes I want that!!!. Coming out isn’t such a bad thing when its done right..

  8. I think it’s high time we stopped hating ourselves for who we are. The moment we realise that we are wonderfully made that time the society will be better. I can’t wake up in the morning and be thinking, “Oh God why am I gay”. Sometimes I don’t even remember I’m gay (this might sound stupid though) .

    • I’m with you on this one! I don’t even remember I am gay untill I spot a perfect pair of cakes in denim and I nearly run into the car in front of mine

  9. Let me clarify one thing, Mr Akande. That book of Leviticus never condemned being gay. It only condemned having gay sex.
    I know it doesn’t make sense at all, but it wasn’t me that wrote the bible.

    I still see the bible as a mere storybook sha filled with fairy tales (My apologies to the Christians here). There are so many inconsistencies. So many. That’s why many intellectuals who read the bible critically come to disregard it and cast it aside. But that’s story for another day.

    One word I’ll leave you with is that when reading the Pentateuch, try to differentiate between the laws of Moses and the laws of God. They’re very different.

  10. I think we all get to that point and stop with all the nonsense and start living. For me wanking was even an issue till I told myself “My dick, my hands, I’ll do whatever I wanthink with them!” Unfortunately or otherwise it didn’t stop there, I questioned so much I ended up being done with religion. Now I see pepole agonise over Christianity and homosexuality and I want to tell them “Start from the beginning, Where did this Christianity come from. Have you established beyond doubt that it is real before you drive yourself insane over it?”
    The way I see it God sure has a sense of humor. He makes fine young men, gives them massive dicks with raging hormones filling their minds with fuck all the time, makes some attracted to each other and then aska them not to have sex till marriagend. Why? To watch them squirm? Why is it not that at the point of marriage these things develop so that sex can only occur in marriage. That would not have been too much to ask. It is human social constructs like religion that have spoiled everything.
    My dear Adam, live your life the way you can, because down the line it is the things we did not do that we regret, not the ones we did.

  11. So many questions we’ll never get answers to in dis life timetime…let’s just try and be happy and do things in moderation!

  12. Dear Adamu,
    I believe there is a God as many people do but that fact remains that God is SO GREAT that it is near impossible to believe it. If I were to tell you that God’s love for you is unconditional, would you believe it? Difficulties arise in christian doctrine when one moment we are told to “do this and that” to be on God’s good side and at other times we are told that “God loves the sinner”. Christians should make up their minds. Is God’s love truly unconditional or not? But if I may ask you, which is more likely? Would God love conditionally, like a man? Or love unconditionally for all eternity like only one as great, as infinite and as wise as He could? Look at the universe, look at life. Organisms thrive when they are NURTURED. That is the principle of growth that is documented clearly in nature. That is why He is love, and He is the eternal nurturer. But I don’t expect you to believe it. For how can you overcome the self-loathing and believe that it is possible for a being to love you exactly as you are? Its not easy. That’s why you will listen to those who say God hates you as it is in sync with what you already believe. Believing that you deserve such a love is in itself the greatest act of self forgiveness. And attibuting to God an ability to love endlessly forever is the true way to give Him the Glory that is due his name. But I don’t expect you to believe or accept any of this. The naysayers will rush in and accuse of blasphemy but they forget, that Christianity is rooted in blasphemy. Christ was KILLED because of blasphemy. And paradoxically, it is they that “blaspheme” by saying that God CANNOT love unconditionally forever attributing to God a HUMAN WEAKNESS. But its not easy to accept and believe in this kind of great love. You have to fight a lot of forces both internal or external to come to this realization. But I’m not worried. If you fail to believe, God never fails because that’s who He is. Feel free to not believe. But know this, God’s love cannot be escaped. Why? Well, because its God’s love!

  13. It was a long, slow and painful process, but eventually I realised that religion is not the true path to God,much of it is actually a series of manipulative scams and accidents of history (colonisation, adoption of christianity by the Roman Empire etc), so long as you seek validation of yourself as a gay man in christianity, you will forever be engaged in a long vicious circular chase that never ends, that leaves you sapped of energy and willpower.
    Who wrote Leviticus? What were his motivations and his circumstances? Why are parts of Leviticus as well as other parts of the OT ignored nowadays while the parts that condemn gays are upheld and brandished as justification for homophobia? Take time out to dig deep into the history of organised religion, read with a clear and open mind and see if you still feel the same about your religion … This is a major reason seasoned intellectuals who have done the work reject religion in its entirety
    Dear adamu, contrary to what the church would have you believe, God does not hate gays, else why does he keep creating them? For me all I seek is peace and happiness while striving to be the best I can be and to touch lives positively and this is shall do till my time js up

  14. I really fit into this. Today is my bfs bday and I coulnt even hold hands with him in public like I really wanted to talk less of a kiss. Its really sad. A happy birthday to him if he reads this

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