Every day, I pretend this part of the Bible doesn’t exist. I mean, I have tried over and over again to fight this feeling, but it is not going anywhere. I try to be normal and do normal things but what does that even mean? I really do love the Lord and I want to live my life to please Him. I can try not to lie. I can try not to kill my super annoying boss. I can even try to keep my body till I get married but… Wait a minute. Who am I keeping this body for? My wife? I am not even attracted to girls.
This is the struggle of me and thousands of guys in the church. You feel a certain way, but the Church says that’s not how to feel. If you are gay, then there is a chance you are possessed. I mean a pastor once said Homosexuality is a spirit and he will pray it out of any gay man.
So I have done it all. I have prayed, fasted, done deliverance and asked God to take it away. But no matter how hard I try, I am back to square one. Still attracted to men like me.
Some say I am not trying hard enough. “If you really want to change, you will.” That is what I hear regularly. That is an interesting statement, considering that I like to wake up every day feeling like crap; hoping that someday I will end up in jail.
At this point, you may realise that this article has no head or tail. Let’s just call it a rant.
I am done! I am tired! If God wants me straight, He’d have to change me Himself because I can’t do this anymore. I want to be able to love openly and live life freely. I want to be able to be myself without inhibitions. I want to be able to go out in public and hold hands with the person I am in love. Living life in the shadows can be depressing and it can get tiring. I am willing and ready for change. I will gladly give up this life for another one, as long as in that life I am happy and “normal.”
Until then, I am living life one day at a time. Loving who I want and finding joy in the little things, because I am done!
Written by Adamu Akande