JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 17)

Blog_KD JournalOctober 11

I don’t handle conflict well. So I tend to avoid it. I don’t like to voice out my opinions, except in cases I stand strongly for, such as discrimination of feminine peeps and what’s for breakfast at home. Otherwise, I just stand by the sidelines and watch the banter. I’m not sure if it’s cowardly of me to do so, but I firmly believe that if you have nothing good to say, then you don’t have to say anything at all.

The few times I have gotten myself involved in conflict of ideas or thoughts and whatnot, I overdid it. I overdo a lot of things because my emotions just seem to run like crazy and I become impulsive and I might say things I should have thought about before saying, or things I’d regret. So, I’d rather keep my opinions to myself. They are after all mine and not yours, so there’s no need to share. If however I see some valid points raised by the opposition, I don’t hesitate to silently reform my opinion.

When I see someone I like or would love to become friends with, I go after them. I swallow what pride I have (I don’t think it’s much) and do my best to befriend them. Not because I’m in desperate need of love and attention. No *insert nervous laugh here* but because their lives would be so much better with me in it. Lol.

That’s how I got my bestie, Ash. I remember seeing him in SS1, and he was as saucy and sarcastic and mean as a gay guy could get. I didn’t think he was gay though. I didn’t know much then. I just knew that he attracted me and we were of kindred spirits. So I tried to become his friend. Well, me and a classmate of mine tried to. The other classmate got frustrated and gave up. Not me though. I’d call him on the phone just to say hi, and I’d ask to come over to his place only to be rejected time and time again. But with patience, I finally broke through. And I’m so glad I didn’t give up, and that he let me in. He’s been there for me during tough times and I’ve been there for him too. He’s my voice of reason when I’m too worked up with my emotions and my source of strength when I’m too timid to do something that needs extra bitchiness. He was the queen of ‘Not giving a fuck’, but I’ve rubbed off on him small. He is the master of twerking on dicks and making grown men beg for more. Funny enough, I’ve not had sex with him and I’m proud of that (dunno why). We have known each other for about seven years and, though he’s in America now, the friendship is still great. I remember midnight calls with stretches of comfortable silence and gushing about stuff and talking about how he’d be famous for his clothes design and just dreaming.

Then there’s Tay. If Ash is the hard hand I need, then Tay is the soft cushion of love and acceptance I sometimes want. If he wasn’t human, he’d be a squishy warm teddy bear with an “I love you” voice chip. Lol. He’s sensitive and, more often than not, there for me at almost all times. He dreams big and is usually on some self improvement regimen. I’m so glad he’s stopped spewing his “I no longer want to be gay” nonsense. I didn’t need to fight hard to become friends with him. It was easy. I still get warm fuzzy feelings when I remember meeting him in my A-level school. And me tryna help him understand Biology or play the guitar and we would sing. I introduced him to my fab artists and he loved them. In the A-level school, where everyone was trying to act cool and shii, I was able to be free with him in the dining hall. We’d laugh and make jokes and he’d tell me about his petty quarrels with his classmates. He was thin and light skinned, but now he has ass and is still light skinned. His lips are pinker too. Hmm. Oyibo weather sha.

That’s right. All of them have left me to suffer in this country sha. 😦 I miss them like crazy… I can’t wait for the time when we will all be together again.

Owl City released two new songs. One of them is Tokyo. I’m in love with the guy’s music. It strikes such a chord in me I don’t understand. His music brightens up my day and transports me from reality to somewhere happy, full of rhymes, strawberry avalanches, vanilla twilight, places where dreams don’t turn to dust and autumn leaves freeze and burn where fire and ice collide. His music is full of sad over tunes and uplifting chords and gives me hope.

The other song is Christian. It’s called You’re Not Alone. I love the fact that he is a Christian. He seems genuine, full of love and faith in God. I don’t see how you can’t love that. I’m not a very religious person, I don’t feel easy in churches except the one I grew up in. But I do know that I love God. My behaviour might not show it, but I do. When I think of His Grace… that Grace, it’s very overwhelming. It’s brought me to tears before because when I beat myself up over the fact that I’m imperfect, I still hear Him whisper “I love you”, and the thought that Someone so good could love someone so sad and pathetic like me… I am grateful to Him for making me the way I am. I am not perfect, but it’s all to His glory.

I worry about talking about Christianity openly. My words and actions don’t go hand in hand with the Christian faith all the time. I fear I would look like a filthy hypocrite. But my dad reminded me that Christ said that those who deny Him will be denied by Him too. I don’t want to deny Someone that has been a huge aspect of my life. I can’t deny Someone who has given me hope, Someone who in His eyes I do not see condemnation but love. Forget the humans around you! Christianity is not about them! It’s about you and Jesus Christ. Don’t let the fact that people around are a poor representation of Him to deter you from feeling that love. As much as the Kitodiariesians, king and gad, annoy me when it comes to the talk about Christianity, I admire their courage. That won’t stop me from throttling either one when I see them sha… lol

Am I getting to preachy? Lol. Maybe I am. Anyhoo, I’m in a weird place right now emotionally. I blame it on my little or no wanking. I feel…I’m not sure how to describe what I’m feeling. Let me say I feel like a woman on her period. This weird jumble of emotions and I want to scream and cry and laugh at the same time. I want to find love and I hate it at the same time.

I’ve also been doing some deep thinking about why I am running from a relationship. Am I still bearing scars from John? I don’t know. But I think it’s no longer the fact that someone is going to break me that I’m scared of. It’s the fact that I might not be willing to let go of my carefree lifestyle and be serious. But then I could surprise myself like before and stick to that one person. But then again, that one person could get tired of me and my wahala and decide to leave. You see the issue… lol. All of y’all be getting a glimpse of my crazy, it’s bigger than this sha.

I do believe I’m saying too much. Don’t lemme chase potential suitors away.

To be honest, reality is a lovely place.

But I wouldn’t want to live there.

Written by James

26 thoughts on “JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 17)

  1. I love you James…

    I’ve been reading stuff here for some time now; I decided to comment today. I see me in your journal and it gets to me, all the time.

    Different is beautiful.

  2. I don’t normally read all ur journal entries…but I’ll admit, this one is quite nice… I could relate to some parts of it.

    I know what it feels like to be in a weird emotional state. And also loving and hating something at the same time.. Just a word of comfort though, it gets better… **big hug..

  3. Becoming more and more of a fan!

    Awesome!

    About love and commitment, just take the plunge! I was like you and then slowly someone invaded my life and left his foot prints all over my cells. As much as I hate to admit this, living without him will be hell.

    So my dear James take the plunge, and if you get burned? Well u clean up and move on! That’s how it works!

  4. A lovely piece right here… I sense the melancholy around it. Indepth and candid, albeit meticulous in some places… I see myself in this piece. Sometimes I just wanna scream and shout and let it all out! I get what I want, when I want it, but still feel a vacuum. It oscillates between love and hate. Well, I’ll stay calm for potiental suitors.
    Once again, a job well done James! Owl City’s latest EP “Ultraviolet” is on me, if you haven’t got it. 😀 *plays “Vanilla Twilight”*

  5. Touche. I totally agree with the last part.

    Fantasies..
    Yes.
    You are in charge there.
    You’re you.
    You’re free.

    This write up is insightful. Deep. And yes, Melancholic.
    Whoever you are. You’re deep.

    Don’t stop writing.

  6. Wow james what a lovely piece and very insightful well I wouldn’t mind been you suitor any day or time.
    I would love us to meet maybe over a tea or coffee and read more of your journals maybe might be in it.

    Are you game???

    • Bia shuga or chocolate biko get in line and park well jo…do you know your no in the line of pipo that wanna befriend this brilliant piece of gay heaven!??! biko take a no jo.lol

  7. #clapping with one hand. I totally get that feeling. Feels like we all are at that point. Wish there’s someone who reads beneath the moodswings when words aren’t just enough. #DEEP

  8. Pingback: JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 17) | Christians Anonymous

  9. Wow….. “But I do know that I love God. My behaviour might not show it, but I do. When I think of His Grace… that Grace, it’s very overwhelming. It’s brought me to tears before because when I beat myself up over the fact that I’m imperfect, I still hear Him whisper “I love you”, and the thought that Someone so good could love someone so sad and pathetic like me… I am grateful to Him for making me the way I am. I am not perfect, but it’s all to His glory”……..then

    WOW WOW!!! “Someone who in His eyes I do not see condemnation but love. Forget the humans around you! Christianity is not about them! It’s about you and Jesus Christ. Don’t let the fact that people around are a poor representation of Him to deter you from feeling that love.”

    James my love…..you are soooo RICH!! never let anyone tell you that your poor or hated…you are MUCH LOVED ooo!! I couldn’t have penned this better if I tried…thanx luv!

  10. when an enemy is identified in battle,u are 30 % close to victory. when u identify his location u are 70% close to victory. James,my next task is to locate and finish u.Battle line drawn… Nice piece brother. sometimes we need to liberate ourselves from ourselves

  11. ‘I want to find love and I hate it at the same time.’ I’m so here right now. It is a little frustrating. I think i might just follow Dennis’ advice.
    Reading James’ journal today was quite good. It was like taking a peek into James’ mind. I enjoyed being there. Thank you James.

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