10 Things That Lesbians Hate To Hear

Written by Marissa Higgins, originally published on thoughtcatalog.com

1. “Are you really a lesbian? You don’t look like one.”

Interesting question, but one rooted in a lot of confusion. Two major stereotypes regarding the appearance of lesbians exist: that of the “butch” masculine lesbian who decidedly rejects society’s vision of women by wearing short hair, plaid shirts, and loose-fitting clothing, and that of the highly sexualized, feminine lesbian common in pornography and advertising. In reality, lesbians are as diverse as any other group, and that’s reflected in their appearances and mannerisms. No group of people fits into a particular mold or has the same exact comforts or expressions through appearance as everyone else.

2. “When did you become a lesbian?”

Hmm, when did you become straight? A sexual identity isn’t something anyone really becomes; it’s something people are. Sexuality isn’t a choice. Even if your friends from middle school swear up and down that you had a crush on Timmy in the eighth grade, it doesn’t mean you weren’t a lesbian at the time.

Fuckernizer anyone?

So Dennis Macaulay was minding his business, looking to have his car serviced, and the gods of thirst decided to send his way a mechanic whose behind is what you see below.

LIFE AS HE KNOWS IT (Chapter 2)

Tunde settled into work more comfortably. He even got friendlier with the female staff, especially Shalom. Most of the females thought his reserve was cute. He’d go get lunch with them often. He also made sure to always lock his computer.

A couple of days had passed, and Kola hadn’t said anything about anything. Soon Tunde almost put the incident out of his mind. He still saw Kola staring at him when he thought he wasn’t looking but he refused to be nervous. He did wonder if he – Kola – had told anyone else about what he probably saw, but nobody else seemed to treat him weirdly. He probably hadn’t. And Tunde wasn’t interested in stirring undisturbed waters.

He had reprimanded Ope heavily about his carelessness, and Ope became really sulky as a result. Feeling a bit bad, Tunde took him to get some food at KFC and told him about how his workmate had probably found the porn. Ope played with the straw in his drink while he listened and apologised for putting him in such an awkward situation.

According to Uber-Facts…

True story!

FYI: Swimming with men is a sure way to get possessed by ‘gay demons’

Prophet TB Joshua reportedly recently delivered a gay Nigerian, Thaddeus, and made him ‘straight’. (This was the point of this report where I rolled my eyes, but stay with me, guys. Let’s finish reading first)

Sharing his testimonies during a live programme on Emmanuel TV, Thaddeus, a Nigerian from Imo State (he had to come from my state of origin, I’m ashamed for us true sons of Imo State) revealed that the ‘gay’ demon has been chased out of him after an encounter with Prophet TB Joshua.

“I was travelling to Asia and had a long stopover in an African country where he stayed in a hotel with a swimming pool. I went for a swim with fellow men, then went to eat and sleep. That night, in a dream, I saw myself swimming in the same swimming pool naked with other men. When I woke up, I was sweating and the ‘gay’ demon entered me,” he revealed. (Just like that folks. He slept, he woke, and he was gay)

Her No Is No, And So Is Mine

His name is Elijah (not his real name). He is a bouncer whom I met at an eatery which also doubles as a bar. The day I met him was the day I went with a friend of mine to the joint. My friend is the closest you can come to being openly gay in Nigeria, considering how choking and oppressive Nigerian society is to gays. He seems to have this knack for knowing all the gays in any place he spends even just a few weeks in. Anyway, he knew Elijah and so few minutes after we entered the bar, Elijah came to join us at our table. He sat with us till very late into the night, as he and my friend obviously knew each other very well and had a lot of catching up to do.

My heart pattered with excitement each time I looked at Elijah. Jeez! He was phynnne! Hunky and tall. Unspoiled dark complexion. Rippling muscled physique. I decided that it wasn’t fair for my friend to have all the fun, and I therefore embarked on a shameless flirting session with Elijah. We hit it off smoothly like a well-greased screw in a hole (or shall I say, a well-lubed dick in a hole … lol).

Dear KD: I’m In A Relationship With A Guy I’m Not Sure I Should Love

I accepted my sexuality five years ago, and I would say that I haven’t been so lucky with love. Life has thrown shit at me and I somehow bounce back and carry on. But when it comes to the heartbreaks I’ve suffered, I’m not entirely sure I bounce back from those. There are memories that forever linger. I can only suppress them for a while because they keep lurking inside my heart, threatening to overtake me.

And these failed relationships have made me set up rules and standards that many perceive to mean I’m overly prudish or dramatic; rules like ‘I’m not gonna date a bisexual,’ ‘He mustn’t be my age-mate,’ ‘He must be this and that,’ ‘It must happen this way and that way,’ and so on and so forth. And because of my rigidity, I ended up being celibate for a year and a few months. I had to stick to my rules, because even though I am cool and amazing, I am emotionally vulnerable.

TAKEN BY SURPRISE

This, I believe, is Absalom’s first fictional piece on this blog. Check on it below and enjoy.

*

He surprised me. So we fought and I packed a suitcase and moved out. I didn’t take all my things, just clothes and other essentials: the heavier stuff, like the bookshelf, could come later.

He didn’t look at me as I went through the sitting room on my way out. He just sat there on the arm of a sofa, drinking water. An hour ago, he had been a storm, accusing me of destroying “what we have.” I shook my head, got in my car parked beside his Camry, and drove towards New Benin. I would stay in Edirin’s place until I cleaned up my flat in the outskirts of town.

“Hey,” Edirin said when he came to the door with his dog Rambo to greet me. Rambo sniffed at the suitcase beside my legs. “Going somewhere?”

“No. I left Onuora’s place.”

Edirin’s eyes widened. “Broke up with the boyfriend?”

What George Clooney Said…

And he’s getting to witness degrees of that in his lifetime. Me, I’m not so sure I will see that day happen in Nigeria. I’d be glad for Fate to disprove me of my pessimism though.

Just Saying…

Dazzal!