I accepted my sexuality five years ago, and I would say that I haven’t been so lucky with love. Life has thrown shit at me and I somehow bounce back and carry on. But when it comes to the heartbreaks I’ve suffered, I’m not entirely sure I bounce back from those. There are memories that forever linger. I can only suppress them for a while because they keep lurking inside my heart, threatening to overtake me.
And these failed relationships have made me set up rules and standards that many perceive to mean I’m overly prudish or dramatic; rules like ‘I’m not gonna date a bisexual,’ ‘He mustn’t be my age-mate,’ ‘He must be this and that,’ ‘It must happen this way and that way,’ and so on and so forth. And because of my rigidity, I ended up being celibate for a year and a few months. I had to stick to my rules, because even though I am cool and amazing, I am emotionally vulnerable.
Recently, I met a guy on Instagram and we started chatting. Neutral friends… No talk about sexuality or sex… Until one day, out of the blue, he asked if I was gay. I was a bit pissed because I don’t quite like it when that question is thrown at me point-blank. I got defensive, and then later, I admitted I am gay to him. Thereafter, he stopped buzzing me as he frequently did and I didn’t bother my head too much about it.
And then, he returned to Lagos and requested that we meet. We did. And an instant chemistry was sparked. We’ve been dating since then, for a month now. And I love him. He doesn’t check all the boxes in my rulebook – he’s bisexual, he’s 7 months younger than I am, yada-yada – but I love him still.
But every now and then, I start thinking thoughts that throw me into a state of uncertainty and confusion. I start telling myself that he’s not the ideal guy I always wanted. I start to wonder if I’m settling with him. I see guys everyday and I see those who would be perfect physically for me, and a part of me says, “You see, that’s your preference.” And then, I start thinking about breaking up with him.
But then, we’re together and all those bad thoughts simply wither away. I’m back to thinking he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m with him and I think about how being with him has made me more matured, less dramatic, more responsible. And yet, there is that nagging feeling that I should be with someone who checks all the right boxes in my rule-book.
To stay or not to stay… What should I do?
Submitted by Anonymous