The Pinky Theory is as Immutable as Gravity, as Forceful as the Ocean, as Inescapable as Air. It simply states that A Person Is Gay If They Wag Their Tiny Fifth Finger, or “Pinky”, around.
Observe the average gay person.
The Pinky, or last finger, is usually held out at a distance from the rest. It’s as if it has a control button all its own.
The Pinky is the mirror, the LCD screen, the true display of the intentions and emotions of a gay person. In fact, the gayer they are, the more outstretched their pinky is.
Watch them lift their hands in church, gesticulate while talking to you, or walk along the streets- Pinky is always there, stretched out, communicating to the casual observer the deepest desires and feelings of this otherwise unknown person.
So, that’s it: if you ever see a person with ‘ A Pinky’, that person is gay. Simple and straightforward – er, not so ‘straight’forward…more like, ‘Bent’- bent at an angle actually.
Lol. If you’re wondering how I learnt about The Pinky Theory, it was during a visit to a friend of mine in Port Harcourt in Ye Goode Olde Days. He took one look at me and said “You’re So Gay…”
I was offended, and I was like, “How so?”
He said, “You Have a Pinky…”
I said, “Pinky? What’s that?”
And thus, I received my Education.
It’s interesting, no matter how straight-acting or manly you perceive yourself to be, your Pinky will always, er, come out. Especially in your unguarded moments. It seems you can control everything else – your sway, your twist, your hand-waves and finger-snaps, your shimmy, your sashay, even the way your long tresses flow in the wind when you throw your hair back as you mount that bike (or whatever it is you’ve been mounting…)
But you can’t hold the Pinky back.
So The Question is Not Whether that Guy you’ve been watching in your office is Gay Or Not, it’s – Does He Have A Pinky? Even if he’s flying beneath the radar like a witch in the night, and your experienced gaydar doesn’t trigger off, just look at his Little Finger. If It’s Bent, He Is Bent Too. Or at least Bendable.
Even if your prospect has successfully appropriated the techniques of a stealth bomber or wears an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter, don’t get it twisted. Once you see Pinky, Mission Accomplished. You can call HQ at 1-900-KitoKito, or email firstname.lastname@example.org, and tell Charlie and The Angels that the Target has been sighted.
Shakira once said, ‘Hips Don’t Lie.’ Well, neither does Pinky.
It’s the Law of the Gay Universe.
Written by Lanre Swagg, @lanreswagg