He Eats My Cakes And Has Hers

bisexual-menMy name is Lami. I am 24 years old and a fresh graduate. Here’s why I’ll NEVER again date a bisexual guy.

His name is Funsho. We met at a friend’s mother’s 55th birthday party. You see, it wasn’t even a gay party. My friend, Allen had told me, “I’m inviting a few of my close friends, but it’s not a TB party o. Abeg man up, no bitching or flinging of hands. A lot of my straight friends are also coming.”

So on that day, I dressed simply in a pair of jeans and a tucked-in shirt with a simple pair of loafers. I wasn’t dressed to kill or to attract attention. I walked in, went over to Allen’s mother to wish her a happy birthday, flattered her a bit about how pretty she looked for a 55-year-old woman, exchanged greetings with Allen and the few other guys I knew there, and settled down to enjoy the lavish food and drink I could see waiting on the table.

At some point in the party, one of the guys who I didn’t quite know came to occupy the empty seat beside, and we got talking. He introduced himself as Funsho, and said he worked with a logistics company somewhere in Lagos. He was Allen’s friend, and we had never met. For some reason, I assumed he was one of Allen’s straight friends. Nevertheless, he was an interesting dude, as we talked on a wide range of issues from current affairs to politics.

Time flew by, and soon I had to head back home. We exchanged numbers and parted ways. I assumed he would never call and we would both get on with our lives. He was good looking and charming, but I have never been one to embark on conversion missions. Once a guy is straight, I usually don’t bother to be anything more than polite and cordial with him. I mean, I find the whole conversion thingy manipulative and distasteful, not to mention the associated risk and stress involved. Abeg, there are too many men out there who are already gay and available, why put myself through the wahala of converting a straight guy? As if life isn’t stressful and short enough.

It took about four days before Funsho called me. We talked about random things and agreed to meet up on Friday evening for drinks. The evening came, and I showed up at the agreed spot at the agreed time to meet him already seated, waiting patiently. We ordered some food and drinks, and proceeded to have a pleasurable time together. As the evening wore on and the lights in the bar dimmed, he said something particularly funny and we both laughed hard. And his hand ended up on my lap . . . and lingered there. This happened a few times; I found it a bit odd and put it down to the fact that he had been drinking quite a bit of alcohol.

And then, he squeezed my thigh! I was so shocked I almost dropped my glass. I looked at him and he stared me straight in the eyes and smiled. That charming, disarming smile that I would soon fall helplessly in love with, that smile that made me wild with lust and careless abandon. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and on the way, I pulled out my phone and called Allen.

“My dear, how far with this your Funsho guy, is he TB ‘cos we are hanging out, and he just dey touch–touch me since…”

“Well, yea, he’s bi, but I’d say he’s more into girls. He rarely does guys. He’s one of those types who are afraid that if they do guys more, they’ll become more gay and all. He loves to put up a strong straight man façade. For him to come onto you this strongly, he must really be into you. He’s kinda confused about his sexuality. Sha, just have fun but don’t get too attached o. I know say you sabi do love and relationship things well, please resist the urge this time o.”

I hung up and went back to meet Funsho. It was almost 11pm and I was anxious to head home. Funsho offered to drop me off and I happily agreed.

As the weeks went by, our hangouts became a regular event. He never seemed eager for sex, so I contented myself with just a kiss every now and then. We never had sex until about three weeks after we met. We’d gone clubbing and come back to my house around 2am. He had left his set of house keys at home, and his ‘witch of a stepmother’ would definitely not interrupt her beauty sleep to let him into the house. I therefore invited him to spend the night at my place, as my folks wouldn’t mind.

The moment we got into my room, we fell upon each other like a pair of wild things and fucked our brains out. I never knew Funsho had such an enormous appetite for sex; we had three solid rounds before dawn when we finally fell into exhausted slumber.

We never made a conscious decision to become an item, but as the weeks went by, the bond between Funsho and I grew stronger and stronger. I had just a few months earlier emerged from the mangled and tattered heap which I’d become when my last relationship with Bobby crashed into a heartbreaking mess. I had genuinely been in love with Bobby, but time and time again, he had proven to me that he was a lying cheat who thought nothing of trampling all over my emotions. I had to drop him and attempt to retrieve what was left of my sanity. After four boyfriends in two-and-a-half years, I’d decided that perhaps the dating game wasn’t for me, that maybe what Allen and my other friends had been preaching was true: “There’s no love in the gaybourhood! Fuck anyone you fancy and move on at the end of it all. Stop placing your emotional wellbeing in a man’s hands, he will shatter you without warning at the drop of a hat!” So for the last few months, I had been getting by on a few meaningless flings which satisfied my sexual urges only for a time, but did nothing to fill the deep aching hole in my heart … Oh well.

Anyway, Funsho and I slowly became an item. I knew he was bisexual and had about three girlfriends; I had been with him on several occasions while he talked to them over the phone. We even hung out with one to whom he had introduced me as a distant relative. I had to sit and watch them both get all romantic and lovey–dovey. I found it mildly irritating, but there was nothing I could do.

One day, I realized that I hadn’t seen Funsho for nearly two weeks – an unusually long amount of time for us. I picked up my phone and texted him: “Hey babes, it’s been a while, what have you been up to? When are you available? I’d like to do so many new and naughty things to you in bed. Love you.”

He replied few minutes later: “Lami, we need to meet up and talk.”

We agreed to meet the following evening after work.

When we met up, he went straight to the point. He started by saying that his being away from me recently was deliberate, that he noticed that he’d started falling in love with me, and that to his alarm, he was starting to prefer gay sex to straight sex. A thing he vowed to never let happen to him when he had his first experience three years ago. He was twenty-eight now, and hoped to settle down with a woman in the two or three years. Until three years ago, he had never imagined that he could be gay. He had stumbled upon a gay site and had hooked up with a guy he met there, and had slowly continued to experiment. He was deeply worried that by becoming emotionally involved with me, he was getting too deep into the ‘gay life.’ As he spoke, he had this accusing tone that made it seem like I was responsible for turning him gay and drawing him deeper into the gaybourhood.

While he talked, I had a mental flashback to a few weeks ago, when I accompanied him to Ibadan for one of his cousins’ traditional wedding. We had stayed with another cousin who was about his age, and sometime in the night, Funsho whispered to me that his cousin had gone out to ‘import’ some Ibadan girls for us all, and that we all had to choose one. Soon enough, his cousin returned less than ten minutes later with three vulgar looking girls and with some bottles of strong alcohol to set the mood for the night. I was horrified; this wasn’t what I had bargained for. Let’s face it, I am gay as a unicorn and I had had this conversation with Funsho earlier. I had of course had sex with a few girls when I was in Secondary School, but it didn’t take me long to realize that I wasn’t really cut out for it. Eventually, I had to feign illness to escape the uncomfortable situation while I had to endure the moans and groans of Funsho, his cousin and their whores. It was disgusting especially as the house had only one room and there was nowhere else for me to go so late at night. I had to struggle to drown out their lustful sounds and find sleep. The next day, Funsho was upset. He accused me of being too rigid, that my lack of attraction to females looked suspicious especially as his whole family was here. We quarreled silently about it all, even on the way back to Lagos.

After this incident, Funsho had on several occasions attempted to hook me up with girls, but I brushed away his attempts. He simply couldn’t understand why gays are unwilling to have anything sexual with women. He sometimes said hurtful things that made us fight, like: “Nawa o, so you want to be gay all your life? Does it mean you’re never going to get into women? You guys had better wake up and find a woman before it’s too late…!” He often apologized profusely after making such nasty comments, saying he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but I knew he deliberately said them; but eventually we would make up over a hot session of lovemaking.

Presently, as Funsho spoke, I realized that he was breaking up with me, and that in spite of my vows to never again become emotionally attached to any man, I had allowed myself be reeled into another relationship, this time by a bisexual guy who had severe hetero-normative issues.

Yet, I didn’t blame him. I fully understood that he was only doing what he had to do. He was a product of our unique environment and could not be expected to depart from its values without severe repercussions. My older brother had gotten married a few months ago, and everyone had implied with meaningful stares, looks and comments that I was expected to be next and that I was expected to have a serious girlfriend who was known to the family by now.

I was mad at Funsho, but then I realized that he would probably never know what it means to be gay. To grow up from a young age knowing that you were fundamentally different, that you saw as well as interacted with the world in a very different way from anyone else. For him, being gay was simply the act of having sex with a man. For me, it was much more than that; it went beyond the sex, which is a minor though defining part of being gay. The way I dressed, the kind of things I ate, wore, the people I interacted with, how I interacted with and saw them was influenced significantly by my sexuality. Funsho would never know what it was like to be the victim of name-calling, and emotional and physical abuse in a society which is unwilling to accept anyone or anything which is not in conformity with the widely accepted norm. he probably never knew what it felt like to be taunted and teased as weird as a teenager for preferring to help out in the kitchen or sketching clothing designs while the other boys played football. This very traumatic and difficult phase had led me to sometimes consider harming myself or committing suicide. Thankfully, I had emerged from that phase with immense willpower and emotional toughness.

I looked at Funsho, who had by now finished talking, and without a word, I got up and left. He rushed outside after me. “Lami, I hope we can still be friends,” he said as he hurried after me. “Please don’t take this the wrong way…”

I stopped and looked at him for a few moments, and said, “Funsho, I’m not angry with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s obvious we are both in very different places right now. I think it’s for the best we break this up now. Take care.” And I moved away from him out to the roadside, hailed a vehicle and left.

It is now clear to me that bisexual guys live in very different worlds, and are very different from gay men, despite the shared sexual desires. For them, it is a past time, a sport which they dabble in whenever they choose and which they can decide to drop out of with relative ease. I now believe that dating a bisexual man is simply setting myself up for future catastrophic heartache and pain. As for me, Funsho is the last.

Written by Khaleesi

55 thoughts on “He Eats My Cakes And Has Hers

  1. This has shown a side to Khaleesi that I did not know existed, I never though you were starry eyed and “disneyed” LOL!
    Anyway I believe in serendipity and in the fact that we will all get our twisted version of happily ever after

  2. Had my fair share of BI dudes, I loved the fact you were able to move on, mine didn’t last up to 2weeks and I am glad I took that walk. #mynewcrush KHALEESI.

  3. I can totally relate to the paragraph starting with this;
    “To grow up from a young age knowing that you
    were fundamentally different, that you saw as well
    as interacted with the world in a very different way
    from anyone else.”

    I once had a bi guy who setup a threesome, a girl being the 3rd person n he was expecting me to have sex with the girl. I quickly carry my heel, pick race commot for there

  4. A lovely piece you’ve shared here. I don’t believe in such serendipity though, cause when you get all entangled in the joyride and all of a sudden a whiplash occurs, it could get bitter. I love the way you took it. It was mature and sophisticated.
    I never put my 2 cents in anything that involves a dude that’s bi. For me, its a situation of “I want your body and not your heart… Let me get mine while you get yours.”

  5. LMAO, Arabian Princess: I once met a guy who wanted us to have that kind of threesome. I was curious to see and touch a naked woman in a sexual situation for the first time in my life (not penetrate her of course!). But I barely knew the guy and fear of kito – among other factors – killed the interest.

  6. An awesome article khaleesi. You took us from one point of the story to the other fluidly and it wasn’t a bore.

    You’re right.. The way we’ve been brought up in this country makes things hard and complicated. Even me seff that I’m as gay as a unicorn with a bedazzled horn and rainbow mane is thinking of how to get laid by a female. Partially cause my semi accepting brothers are urging me to try it out and also out of curiosity.

    The guy sounds like a lot of bi douches I know. They don’t/refuse to understand what it’s like to be gay that’s why they can open their mouths to spew nonsense. Of the interest isn’t there then it isn’t. It’s just like asking g a straight man to fuck a dude.

  7. No need deriding bisexuals. From the story, there is nothing Funsho did/said about “quitting” or cultivating interest in women that many GAY guys don’t do/say. Funsho is not representative of every bisexual on this earth.

    • Well said. Besides, falling for a bi guy means his affections would always be shared. You have to know this before getting in

  8. What if the Bi guys do understand what it means to be gay and this is the way they are adapting to theirs?
    A good story, loved the way it flowed.

  9. Ur a good writer, never could believe tht a Brazilian wearing girl with full patched red lip stick could throw down this intelligently. Reading ur comments always makes me laugh..

    • Let’s just say two things,
      1. am so many personas rolled into one.
      2. your reaction isn’t surprising, its the same reaction the typical male chauvinist (not that you’re one) displays when he discovers that the hot blonde bombshell he spotted digging it out on the dancefloor last Friday night is actually a top neuro-surgeon or lawyer or scientist or top business/corporate executive and on and on … **smiles**

      • Hello dear khalesi. I meant no disrespect dear.. without u and me, there won’t be no rainbow colour. We all make it a large lively house with our different characters. Girl I love ur comments, I do look out 4 it. Thanks pinky.. Denis darling..wink
        NB..sorry 4 late reply.. busy

  10. I’ve always said it, if you wanna do girls, do girls, if you wanna do guys, quit qirls and do guys..All these guys that do both are just plain Heartbreakers.. I’ve had similar experience, though I got out before it got ugly ..never knew he had a girlfriend.
    He told me he needs us both (me and her) and I was like “bitch please”, I’m not that kinda guy…
    Guys with girlfriends(bi’s) or the plain queer as Elton John type pretending to be bi just to
    Minimize the unresolved guilt they still feel. I’ve seen a couple of them..They’re up to no good. They claim they wanna settle down with a lady(some silly idea put there by the society), but still wanna be eating man cakes… Totally relatable Khaleesi..no wonder you’re so feisty…

    • Frankly, with married dudes n Bi Sexuals, its a hopeless case. They become too much interested in maintaining the ‘I am now societally acceptable’ facade to be anything but sex objects n ATMs. Harsh but true. And before y’all say there are no black n white lines with sexuality, I have to agree with Kendingin. Not only Funsho is confused, ALL bisexuals are.

      • Whoa,easy Cher.
        Don’t tar us all with the same brush as Funsho.Many gays I know who are even more confused than the guy,while the Bi’s I’ve met seem more grounded

  11. What a story!!!! Thank God you moved on..Am presently dating a Bi ,its been cool tho but am not so emotionally attached..Am always ready for any shit because I know soon or later,he would find his bearing..

  12. Lol, nice story, and succinctly written…… I’ve had an experience before, I ended it before we even began. Dude was telling me to my face that being gay is all about sex and that I didn’t need to bring my emotions in, what rubbish!!! But he kept preaching about how he fell in love with my Body and wanted sex, I overcame the temptation of falling in love with how cute he looked and picked by bags and emotions and left never to return. Good riddance!!!

  13. I don’t know why this almost brought tears to my eyes, and I’m like, “Dude, stop acting like a cry-cry baby.” The story touched me personally because my close friend, who is my ex, and I stopped romantic stuff because he was confused and whatnot. I still feel the pain sometimes, although I’ve largely moved on. But the aching thing is that I pity him more than I pity myself, just like I pity Funsho more than I do Khaleesi. Thanks for sharing this. It’s OUR story, and I strongly believe that we must tell it.

  14. This was very well written, Khalesi. But there is a fallacy we are comitting here. And that’s generalization. We can summarily group people based on their characteristics to make dealing with them easy in the every day world but this categorization has advantages and disadvantages. It is the same fallacy we commit every when we say “igbo people are …”, “yoruba people are….”, “taxi drivers are…”. So you cannot say this you can generalize about all bisexuals from the behavior of one dude. Not all bisexuals are like this.
    Second point, what does it mean to be bisexual? Have we considered that even among the bisexuals, some prefer guyz and others prefer girls? How do we correctly define bisexual? Add this to the fact that over 90 percent of nigerian gays get married eventually and many are able to keep and manage their marriages succesfully. Can it not be argued that we are all to a certain degree bisexual?
    Don’t hate the bisexual for being attracted to both sexes. Its not something he does deliberately. Its just his nature. He may feel lucky he is that way but can you really blame him considering the current state of affairs in the country and the world when it comes to sexuality?
    Finally, concerning love. Love like almost everything else is in degrees. The deeper you are in love, the more you are able to love a person just as they are. Loving is VERY HARD! Well if you can’t handle love, try the next best thing. Its called UNDERSTANDING.
    And for the bisexual, when you are in a relationship with someone who is maybe exclusively gay, you have got to be very KIND and SENSITIVE because thankfully you are in a position to understand the dude like no one else can (especially since you straddle two worlds).
    This is wht like I said in a previous post, poor communication is the biggest killer of relationships. From day one, lay it all out. Are you gay? Bi? Do you have a girlfriend? How serious do you want the relationship to be? Do you prefer an open relationship? When you keep quiet, people assume. And that could be the recipe for a major disaster.

    • @sensei, wow!! *stands up applauds vigorously till her neatly packed hair loosens, reties hair ribbon and continues to applaud crazily till heavy jugs are bouncing around’ … wow! I love the intellectual analysis … I now see that a major part of why Funsho’s attitude hurt so much was his lack of ‘kindness & sensitivity’… your brain dey hot jarey! **adjusts bra, smoothens dress & sits down with a big contented sigh*

    • Very Valid point you raised Sensei! However I do not think he made a generalization with the story! The comments did, but the story itself did not. He was talking about funsho and their complicated relationship and to me the article did not imply that funsho was somewhat representative of all bisexuals.

      • You are right. And in my comment about generalization I was referring to the comments not the article itself. I said “we” are generalizing.

  15. Your friend, Allen, made everything clear. He is bisexual but is more into girls. There are other bisexuals who are more into guys. Let us all stop generalising. Bisexuals are not all the same.
    I’m saying this because I’m bisexual as well. But I’m more into guys than girls. I won’t allow you guys crucify us all (bisexuals). It is unfair.

    Your friend warned you. With your common sense, you knew better but you allowed yourself to fall for the guy even though you knew it will not result in anything good. The fault is yours sha @Lami. I’m not being heartless or something but it’s true.

  16. I learned my lesson quick enough-never get too involved with a bisexual man. Not only are they complicated but it is my staunch belief that they are responsible for the high number of STDs within the gay community. How a man can be attracted to both sexes baffles me and I cannot comprehend it. I used to feel that to an extent most Nigerian homos were bi but since I began being honest with myself and acknowledging that I was gay and vagina is repulsive, I began to meet men who identified as gay too,not Bisexual but gay. No one should put themselves in a situation where they become second-rate or a passing phase, and Bisexual guys do just that!

  17. like most people have said, you can’t really generalize about bisexuals. i have a bisexual friend who has had committed relationships with both sexes in the past and has expressed willingness to commit to whoever he loves. but most “bisexuals” seem to be the cliche homosexual who cannot come to terms which his sexuality.

    personally i would date a bisexual as long as he takes the relationship as seriously as i do… and is as committed to it as i am… but those people are really few.

  18. I’m bi and married.the picture painted in this story is a far removal from who iam and how I view gays.i believe being gay is not a game but a natural gift by d wise creator.the story represents the writers opinion

  19. Oh ye bi people of kitodiaries. How many of you wee gree to commit to a dude when you know the other sex is there and more socially acceptable.

    That’s the problem I have with most bi people I’ve been with. They don’t even try and say “sure I’m getting married but it’s cause I have to.. not cause I want to.” Instead they will be telling you to “try and fuck a woman. You might like it. How long do you want to be in this game.” It’s not a fucking game. It’s my life.

    Iono sha. Maybe I’m just a bit bitter cause of past experiences but it’s my own opinion. I agree not all bi guys are the same but you have to agree almost all of em in nigeria act as I mentioned above.

  20. Well done khaleesi for this thought provoking piece…had a boyfriend once though who was Bi and we got into an argument when his gal friend started grumbling about the many times I cum get him from her flat….well after the quarrel that was inevitable I asked him to choose and boi was i surprised after 1 week of “not seeing him and pretending I was hurt” he called and declared I had won and that he had broken up with her…when I asked him why he said…hmm gals and their wahala too much but he had realized that I never asked him for anything but his loving!!!…So I agree that we shouldn’t generalize and sometimes too we should give the guy some space to decide who he will miss the most hehheeheh…

    • All this are unnecesary.a man ought to be a man no matter his sexuality and role.we are africans.africans are bi.its childish for a guy and a girl to be in rivalry over a guy

      • Africans are largely bi either by nature or owing to societal and cultural influence.An African man is expected to raise a family,have male children that helps in d family by carrying out domestic chores that ordinarily a girl can’t do and ultimately carry on with d family name.im not denying d fact that their are guys who are totally gay and have no feelings for women.I know a man in my village who is over 80 now.The story goes that elders have to gather to beg him to sleep with his for d purpose of having children.That man is obviously gay even without being conscious of it. That’s the lot of the African man.I think what we have to do is adjust.Gayism has been here but our progenitors practiced it in ancient times but it was done largely as a past time and was never an issue nor was it frowned at.Warriors of old were mostly homosexuals.

  21. I am in a committed relationship with a dude,been going on over 14months n still feel as fresh as when we started,yet am bi.You saying my type don’t exist or that am fake?.

  22. My bff totally had this same issue. He met this good looking bi guy who was totally into him. Well…. he was also into his female cousin and was chasing her a cock would chase a hen. She had to tell me and my bff to tell ‘our friend’ to leave her alone.
    You got me at the helping out in the kitchen part @ Khaleesi

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