And Now He Knows

african-amerian-man-thinkingI have a story to tell.

A few months ago, I opened up, in a joking manner, about my sexuality to one of my closest straight friends, he studies in Ghana. I told him I like guys. We’d been friends since Secondary School, and I knew he disliked homosexuals, quite a lot actually. I don’t know what drove me to out myself to him, knowing what I did about his homophobia, but like I said, we’d been friends for a very long time. And we were really close.

When I told him, his reaction – though expected on some level – still took me by surprise. He was shocked and outraged, and told me not to speak to him again. Then he went on to block me from all his accounts – BBM, Whatsapp, Facebook, Skype . . . everything. That hurt. It was really painful, and I felt so bad that I cried over it. I complained to some of my friends, those who are gay, and they told me what I already knew, that I shouldn’t have told him.

Meanwhile, in spite of the hurt I felt, I didn’t regret telling him. A part of me was relieved by what I did, even though it cost me our friendship. That part of me was happy that I was able to be a good friend to him, by telling him all about me. I later moved on, but I didn’t forget about him.

Recently, I looked up his name on Facebook again. And I found it! Yes! He had unblocked me. He appeared on my search box on Facebook. I re-added him, he accepted, and we began to talk. I apologized to him, not for being who he hated but for putting the knowledge of who I was on him the way I did. He asked me to add him on Skype too, and after I did, we started skyping. It was as if nothing had happened, as if he’d totally forgotten what had transpired between us.

After our first day of back on Skype, he apologized to me for blocking me. And thereafter, it seemed as though our friendship became firmer. He wouldn’t go by a whole day without talking to me on Skype. He seemed inquisitive too, curious about my sexuality. He started asking me questions, questions about our mutual friends who I knew were also gay. Questions about my love life. Questions about my sex life. And each time, I told him, whenever I got to the erotic about kissing under the staircase or smooching inside the elevator, about doing it with my previous roommate, he would quickly tell me to stop, that it was disgusting, that I shouldn’t go on any further with my narration.

And yet, he was the one who asked me about it in the first place.

A few weeks ago, he told me he had a fight with his roommate, that the guy threatened to pack out of the house, and that he didn’t want him to leave, that the guy was good to room with, cooking and keeping the house clean for them, unlike the previous guys he had lived with. Often times, I’d asked him to show me a photo of this roommate of his, and each time, he would refuse with excuses that seemed silly to me. So when he told me about the fight, I asked him about what brought it on. He told me it was a money issue, that the guy spends lavishly on food items, and he doesn’t always have the money to give him as his share of the contribution. So I counseled him to apologize to the roommate and be frank with him. He agreed.

Some days later, he told me he lied about what brought about the fight between them. He revealed that it was because the guy attacked him at night (yes, attack, he said). Apparently, this roommate is gay, and came inside his room one night and reached for his dick to suck him. But he woke up and fought him off. My friend is well-built and muscled, and so I could imagine it when he said he thereupon gave his roommate a sound beating, during which he gave him a tear on his lip. There was blood. He claimed he didn’t know the guy was gay before they started rooming together, and now, the guy intends to leave the house.

That wasn’t all he told me. He started opening up about some funny stories about homosexuals. The latest was how he dreamed about a gay guy in his dream, who was chasing after him. The dream didn’t go any further than the pursuing.

And then, he began to act weird toward me. He would frown each time I didn’t pick his call on Skype. He asks funny questions about homosexuality, like he wants to know more than I think is appropriate for someone straight to know. He gets angry each time I ask after his roommate, accusing me of having a thing for the guy. He’s gotten . . . I don’t know, angry and possessive.

#sigh

I just don’t know where all these are coming from. Frankly, I’m starting to suspect he is the gay one, and not his roommate. I suspect he framed the story of the roommate ‘attacking’ him, just like the many others he’s been telling me these days. He is becoming boring. I just don’t know him with this kind of attitude. I’d much rather he yab me and tell me how stupid and how disgusting being homosexual is; those don’t happen anymore. Instead, he calls me on Skype to remind me of how cute I look when I smile. I was weirded out the first time he paid me that compliment. And I truly do not like it.

And this is when I finally regret telling me about my sexuality. Now is when I wish I hadn’t. I should have let him remain the funny and interesting guy he’d always been who regaled me with stories about his female conquests. All that I miss now that he knows. . .

Written by Garrison

28 thoughts on “And Now He Knows

  1. THANK you so very much for this story. I, in recent times, have contemplated telling my real time friends about my sexuality and be done with it, but this story exactly is my issue with letting straight guys on to that knowledge. I let one of my cyber pals(who I have no intention to ever see in this world) know, and now he calls me so many endearments, I av to REMEMBER he says he is straight. The curiosity is enough to ‘convert’ them. I understand ur regrets and that u feel responsible for how he has now turned out.

  2. I read this story while my iPod decided to be a smarty pants and play “Niyola-Toh bad” and “Rihanna-What now” back to back. Which (I feel) is quite apt for this story.

    Basically, he’s not being aggressive possessive. Funny how that may sounds but he’s not. You’re his lifeline while he sorts out his feelings. it’s so obvious he’s gay (you can smell it off him all the way from Colombia to calabar), but he’s freaked himself out so much that he can’t get his head straight.

    That’s where you come in. You’re suppose to lead him through the wave of emotions he’s going through. Think of it as leading a blind man through dimly lit alleyway. He’s blind, its dark, he’ll curse you out for not seeing the stone where he hit his leg etc. But deep down, he’s actually grateful for you being there.

    So be patient with him and help him out. Even when he lies (and you know he’s lying) just accept it that way and recreate the real story in your head, then answer the questions that may follow.

    Everyone has a breaking point, he’ll break eventually and admit what he truly is- That he bats for our team and there’s no going back

    • Bats for our team??? Wasn’t it on here we mentioned being gay is not some kinda cult? I now begin to understand the fears of homophobes PROPERLY. Knowing Garrison’s friend is lying doesn’t make him feel any less responsible. I’m sure he believes he inadvertly pushed his friend into homosexuality.

  3. Same happened to me in school sometime ago ,then all of a sudden dis guy start trying to be my sex mate and having sex with my friend is something dat ruined the relationship we had and now I also regretted ever opening up to him bcos he now thinks am his booty call nothing else even the friendship became awkward and I was really happy when they expelled him from my school even tho I try to pretend I was sad ,,, it was my good radiance to bad rubbish if my saying is correct

  4. My friend, flee from that guy with your two left legs! The friendship may have run its course. I believe you came out to him because you trusted him and could use his support as a friend; if he cannot handle it and is making your life more complicated than it ever was, perhaps it’s time to just say your goodbyes.

    And please try to get it out of your head that he might be gay, to avoid further complications.

  5. Hahaha…this is so funny, why? Your story can be cut into two parts and fits well into two of me experiences.

    First part the whole blocking and not talking to you. My best friend in uni did that to me after I came out to him…you know that urge to come out to ur close pal, makes u feel so free like a big burden has been taken off you. Well, he stopped talking to me for a month. He sha came around later. We still very great pals now and we barely even talk about sexuality, can’t rmbr when last we did self.

    Second part is you thinking he is the gay one. There was another close pal I told, that one too freaked out, sort of started avoiding me but we’d still talk when we ran into each other but the avoiding from his side was well pronounced, I let him be. Then he returned with a mission to change me. Always preaching and shii…became curious or should I say bicurious? I was really into him too. One day, during his usual questioning about the tb life he let me give him a hand job…to cut story short, we sort of lost touch for a year. The next year we saw again, that’s how tables were turned and he began chasing me like crazy. It was all so funny and weird. Sadly my ship had long sailed. Today the guy has banged more guys than I have…

  6. Trystham- I understand your point of view and it valid.

    But when I say “Bat for our team” I was simply trying to humorous. I guess maybe it can be taken too literal sometimes.

    “Knowing Garrison’s friend is lying doesn’t make him feel anyless responsible.”

    Bia did anybody force you to be gay? Or did they use hypnosis on you? Some guys understand early that they are gay. Others are late bloomers like Garrison’s friend. if you’re gay you’re gay. Your best friend’s confession isn’t an excuse to say you became gay or his converted you into being gay.
    You know how absurd that sounds abi?

    • To blame the coming out of a friend for your own suspected queerness. Yes. That’s mighty absurd. Abeg if its me, I’ve got enough guilts and shame to handle on my own, enough not to take on the regret of possibly ‘imposingk gayness on someone with my mere words

      • Preach!!! This world is hard enough with our own gbese, so to carry extra unnecessary guilt baggage around is out of the question abeg.

  7. Garrison, I think you should do what you feel is best… If it’s past the breaking point in your friendship then try and cut it off… or better yet explain how you feel to him. Let’s see his reaction.. prepare for him to make you feel bad but stand your ground and let him know what you think. If you’re scared of losing the friendship, the way it’s going the friendship is about to be lost anyways.. and be nice and tactical about it.

    I didn’t exactly tell my bestie I was gay.. we just knew. Then he wanted me to sleep with him and I didn’t want to. It put a very serious strain on the friendship but I stood my ground and it paid off. That made us closer than ever… not sure why I wanted to share this bit of info. Lol. Toodles!

  8. My advice: play along. Let him come out fully and when he has out come far enough, chide him sternly for his behavior. If it leads to a quarrel, fine. But don’t let it last too long. Reach out to him again and make up. And make sure you draw the line in fiery red. Do not have anything sexual to do with him no matter what. And please, don’t lose your friend!

  9. Everything about this guy points (with a huge scream) to someone who is deeply confused and messed up in the head. obviously he is gay or bi-curious but totally messed up in the head due to internalised homophobia. in my humble opinion, you’re better off mourning whatever friendship you once shared and moving on with your life. the longer you keep this guy close to you, the more toxic weirdness he will bring into your life. it may sound mean&selfish, but you have to take care of you or no1 else will!

  10. It happens I also told a fwend of mine about it since den he gets so worried about me a̶̲̥̅̊₪d̶̲̥̅̊ if I don’t pick his calls he gets so worried and angry like we dating a̶̲̥̅̊₪d̶̲̥̅̊ cheating on him

  11. It happens I also told a friend of mine about it since den he gets so worried about me and if I don’t pick his calls he gets so worried and angry like we dating and cheating on him

  12. Lol…some straight friends can sha be possessive sha. Garrison, don’t get upset with him.if u’re uncomfortable with it, try to avoid any (homo)sexual discussions with him; try to get him to talk more about his girlfriends instead. Even if he gives u any reason to suspect he’s gay,just try to ignore it and don’t read too much into it. If he gives u a compliment,don’t act shocked or weirded out; just turn it into a joke and laugh over it. If u ignore this new,strange aspect of his,I’m sure with time, it’ll go away,and u can have ur old friend back!

  13. Lol…just remembered how I told my best friend about me which he was gonna discover anyways. that was 2011 and just the Thursday this week he told me he wants to marry me. when I told him I never knew he was gay, he changed the chat.

  14. Freedom is bliss. The fact that you told him makes your burden a bit lighter. I guess the excessive homophobic guys end up being the gay ones.

    I told 2 straight friends about my sexuality, one my best friend and the other my closest childhood friend.
    The best friend didn’t talk to me for 3 months after I told him, I had to leave his house cos I was living in his parents’ house at that time, but later came back to his senses. He later appreciated the fact that I trusted him with it and that if I didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t have known in this world cos I was the chronic “womaniser” among us and very straight acting (for lack of other words to use).
    The other one tweeted that his childhood friend just told him he is gay and it’s twisted. The thread was how cursed I was and other unprintable were given to me. To cut it short, he’s now gay and making up for the years of pretence/confusion. No matter how unfine the guy is, as long as he has a dick, my friend is down.

    I feel liberated to an extend and my best friend will defend me to the end of the world if u ask why I don’t have a girlfriend. It made us closer and he will always advice me on relationships and he is always good friend to my bfs as long as we are still together

  15. I saw an interesting tweet by Uberfacts a few weeks ago, about how 80% of individuals identifying as homophobic were aroused after viewing gay porn as opposed to 20% of straight folks that were indifferent or friendly towards gay ppl. Can’t remember the exact figures but the numbers were a huge margin! So basically the fact is, the more homophobic an individual is the more likely he/she struggles with latent homosexual tendencies. Tendencies they are in constant contention with, hence the anger and hatred towards gays. This story is a prime example of the damage denial and self hate does to one’s self.

    I hope he comes to terms with his sexuality, or he’ll end up a bitter angry, ,miserable man

    • @ Iduke: the good thing is that I’m not vengeful else he would have outgrown his guilt. The mere sight of me and the things he did kills him and the fact that I didn’t even act like anything was wrong drives him crazy. He called me more than once to ask why I haven’t reacted angrily at him. Psychological torture has been very effective and I don’t think I’m ready to stop yet. Am I vengeful? Maybe a little

  16. interesting story… you should probably keep your distance from this guy until he get himself together. some men find it extremely difficult to accept their sexuality and this tend s to manifest in different sorts of bizzare behavoiur. personally, i’ve come out to all my close friends including my current housemate… luckily for me they are all straight and have been really understanding… and in no case has it negatively impacted our friendship… not even the one friend i seriously had a crush on and was all up his case (he just firmly but gently rebuffed me)

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