‘I could be staring at somebody new
Stuck in my head is a picture of you
You were the thunder, I was the rain
I wanna know if I’ll see you again
I said I love you
You said goodbye
Everything changes in the blink of an eye
It’s been a while, I still carry the flame
I wanna know if I’ll see you again…’
I remember the first time I heard those lyrics. It was a pure moment. That moment when a song connects entirely with what you’re feeling. It was when I broke up with John. I remember going to his room practically begging that he not say it’s over and that we try again, but he just told me that he was tired of trying. It hurt like crazy. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much I cried because my love for him was that strong and irrational. I don’t feel embarrassed that I cried… It helped because even as the tears fell with the realisation that what I had and cherished was over, it also made me realise that I had the chance to do something new. I tried to not spend too long being heartbroken. I had exams coming up and I refused to let something like heartbreak cause issues for my education. I threw myself into my books and the only time I’d feel pangs of longing and sadness was when I’d lay down to sleep and hug my pillow.
In the midst of this all was Duke. There he was trying to get me to date him. He was cool, generous, kind… He said he’d make me happy. But one thing I carried away from my breakup with John was that relying on another human to make you happy is total bullcrap. It could happen, but don’t hold your breath.
I gave in to Duke, though the better part of my brain told me not to. It told me that what I was doing was rebounding, that I ought to take some time off relationships, rediscover myself. But I decided to date him anyways. It was a rebound, you could say. I was hurting and Duke was the balm that would heal it. And he did just that. Facilitated with friends who’d join me in bashing John and tell me everything would be okay, I moved on from John (well, sorta. I did sleep with him)
Even from the beginning, I had doubts about what I was doing with Duke. I knew it would probably not last. But I decided to go with the flow. He lives forty-five minutes away from me, and we tried to see as often as we could, and it was alright. But things got a bit tense because we hardly talked when he wasn’t around. There were hardly calls to see how I was doing or texts to tell me I’m on his mind, and when there were calls, it was from me. Kinda felt like since he had gotten what he wanted, he didn’t need to do those things. I like my guys to have my time, be there but not so available that I get smothered by calls and stuff. But he was being too unavailable.
I tried to write it off as me being my overactive self. The times I spent with him, he hardly picked up his phone to chat and all. But I was wondering if that was the kind of person I wanted to be with.
I complained a number of times, but I feared I’d be too nagging. Basically I was scared to be myself (you know, the good, the bad, and the ugly) because I was scared it would chase him off as it did John. But it still bugged me and annoyed me, and a number of times I just wanted to end things with him. But I held on. Just a month being together wasn’t enough to decide if it wouldn’t work out. He could change.
The second month I actually asked for a breakup. He didn’t even seem too bothered by it, in my opinion. There were no pleas that I should reconsider. He just made me feel like an irrational child who was pouting and worrying about nothing. And I decided that I would chill for a bit.
Third month and no change. I was getting restless and even started to get my hoe on. As time passed, I began to feel less and less like I had a bf, and even began to feel less guilt when I was with another person. I stopped trying so hard to strike conversations with him. I’d even let days go by and we wouldn’t talk. I wasn’t so anxious to see him and couldn’t be bothered that weeks had passed by without us seeing. Some relationship, huh?
The fourth month came by and I slept with my ex, and all the drama from my last entry happened. He took me back… yeah. But I wasn’t satisfied. In fact, as I left his house, I began to wonder if Tay (my bestie) was right about me being scared of being alone.
I decided to wait and just stop trying. Maybe we would just drift apart. That however was when Duke began to complain. I was too cold towards him, I hadn’t called him in ages, etc, etc. I gave excuses… lectures had started and my course is very stressful and all that. He accused me of cheating on him again. Weeelll, a nigga has needs. Lol.
Then on the last Sunday of June, he called me and complained. He asked why I was acting the way I was. In that moment, I was simply too tired of waiting things out and cooking up excuses. So I told him I was tired of it all… I didn’t feel anything again.
He asked me if that was the way I wanted to treat him after he took me back. I was a bit angry at that comment. He went on to say that he took me back because I’d been good to him. Not because he loves me and can’t think of life without me in it. I was silent for most of the phone call.
After he cut the call, I thought I’d be in a panic. I was single again!! Yikes!!!
But no. I think I’d had my panic when I consciously decided that I would let things die. I allowed myself to be single again and I don’t think I want that to change for a long time.
Some days, I feel like Beyoncé (I woke up like this, flawless!). Other days, I feel like Taylor Swift and her long ass list of exes and flings and sad stories. Mine isn’t that long shaaaa… its four now. I know, right?
My brother put up a pm on his BBM. It said ‘pretty hurts.’ And it got me thinking about how scared I get when I think of putting up Beyoncé lyrics up like that. I mean, that could make a straight contact start thinking things you hope he or she won’t think. lol. I swear, being gay in this country can make you so damned paranoid.
Ooooo!!!! I remember something now. I made friends last week with a very wonderful person. He stayed with me and we had so much fun. I’m basically kinda “straight-acting” (I use the term for want of a better one). But this girl (yes, I call him girl cause he likes it that way) made me let my hair down (in the confines of my room mostly) and I snapped my fingers and said “guuurl whatever” and eyed boys in the cafeteria close to my house and just had a fucking good time.
Now it’s just me alone again and I miss her. Lexis, if you’re reading this, I miiiiissss youuuuu! Lol.
Oh-kay, that’s it for now. I think I’ll go now to go do those things that singles do on a day of being single, such as this. Toodle-oo!
Written by James