Blog_KD JournalJuly 4

‘I could be staring at somebody new

Stuck in my head is a picture of you

You were the thunder, I was the rain

I wanna know if I’ll see you again

I said I love you

You said goodbye

Everything changes in the blink of an eye

It’s been a while, I still carry the flame

I wanna know if I’ll see you again…’

I remember the first time I heard those lyrics. It was a pure moment. That moment when a song connects entirely with what you’re feeling. It was when I broke up with John. I remember going to his room practically begging that he not say it’s over and that we try again, but he just told me that he was tired of trying. It hurt like crazy. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much I cried because my love for him was that strong and irrational. I don’t feel embarrassed that I cried… It helped because even as the tears fell with the realisation that what I had and cherished was over, it also made me realise that I had the chance to do something new. I tried to not spend too long being heartbroken. I had exams coming up and I refused to let something like heartbreak cause issues for my education. I threw myself into my books and the only time I’d feel pangs of longing and sadness was when I’d lay down to sleep and hug my pillow.

In the midst of this all was Duke. There he was trying to get me to date him. He was cool, generous, kind… He said he’d make me happy. But one thing I carried away from my breakup with John was that relying on another human to make you happy is total bullcrap. It could happen, but don’t hold your breath.

I gave in to Duke, though the better part of my brain told me not to. It told me that what I was doing was rebounding, that I ought to take some time off relationships, rediscover myself. But I decided to date him anyways. It was a rebound, you could say. I was hurting and Duke was the balm that would heal it. And he did just that. Facilitated with friends who’d join me in bashing John and tell me everything would be okay, I moved on from John (well, sorta. I did sleep with him)

Even from the beginning, I had doubts about what I was doing with Duke. I knew it would probably not last. But I decided to go with the flow. He lives forty-five minutes away from me, and we tried to see as often as we could, and it was alright. But things got a bit tense because we hardly talked when he wasn’t around. There were hardly calls to see how I was doing or texts to tell me I’m on his mind, and when there were calls, it was from me. Kinda felt like since he had gotten what he wanted, he didn’t need to do those things. I like my guys to have my time, be there but not so available that I get smothered by calls and stuff. But he was being too unavailable.

I tried to write it off as me being my overactive self. The times I spent with him, he hardly picked up his phone to chat and all. But I was wondering if that was the kind of person I wanted to be with.

I complained a number of times, but I feared I’d be too nagging. Basically I was scared to be myself (you know, the good, the bad, and the ugly) because I was scared it would chase him off as it did John. But it still bugged me and annoyed me, and a number of times I just wanted to end things with him. But I held on. Just a month being together wasn’t enough to decide if it wouldn’t work out. He could change.

The second month I actually asked for a breakup. He didn’t even seem too bothered by it, in my opinion. There were no pleas that I should reconsider. He just made me feel like an irrational child who was pouting and worrying about nothing. And I decided that I would chill for a bit.

Third month and no change. I was getting restless and even started to get my hoe on. As time passed, I began to feel less and less like I had a bf, and even began to feel less guilt when I was with another person. I stopped trying so hard to strike conversations with him. I’d even let days go by and we wouldn’t talk. I wasn’t so anxious to see him and couldn’t be bothered that weeks had passed by without us seeing. Some relationship, huh?

The fourth month came by and I slept with my ex, and all the drama from my last entry happened. He took me back… yeah. But I wasn’t satisfied. In fact, as I left his house, I began to wonder if Tay (my bestie) was right about me being scared of being alone.

I decided to wait and just stop trying. Maybe we would just drift apart. That however was when Duke began to complain. I was too cold towards him, I hadn’t called him in ages, etc, etc. I gave excuses… lectures had started and my course is very stressful and all that. He accused me of cheating on him again. Weeelll, a nigga has needs. Lol.

Then on the last Sunday of June, he called me and complained. He asked why I was acting the way I was. In that moment, I was simply too tired of waiting things out and cooking up excuses. So I told him I was tired of it all… I didn’t feel anything again.

He asked me if that was the way I wanted to treat him after he took me back. I was a bit angry at that comment. He went on to say that he took me back because I’d been good to him. Not because he loves me and can’t think of life without me in it. I was silent for most of the phone call.

After he cut the call, I thought I’d be in a panic. I was single again!! Yikes!!!

But no. I think I’d had my panic when I consciously decided that I would let things die. I allowed myself to be single again and I don’t think I want that to change for a long time.

Moving on…

Some days, I feel like Beyoncé (I woke up like this, flawless!). Other days, I feel like Taylor Swift and her long ass list of exes and flings and sad stories. Mine isn’t that long shaaaa… its four now. I know, right?

My brother put up a pm on his BBM. It said ‘pretty hurts.’ And it got me thinking about how scared I get when I think of putting up Beyoncé lyrics up like that. I mean, that could make a straight contact start thinking things you hope he or she won’t think. lol. I swear, being gay in this country can make you so damned paranoid.

Ooooo!!!! I remember something now. I made friends last week with a very wonderful person. He stayed with me and we had so much fun. I’m basically kinda “straight-acting” (I use the term for want of a better one). But this girl (yes, I call him girl cause he likes it that way) made me let my hair down (in the confines of my room mostly) and I snapped my fingers and said “guuurl whatever” and eyed boys in the cafeteria close to my house and just had a fucking good time.

Now it’s just me alone again and I miss her. Lexis, if you’re reading this, I miiiiissss youuuuu! Lol.

I miss my dogs and cat. Here’s a picture of one of ‘em. The dog is Snowy and the cat is Chuks. Precious, aren’t they?Pictures1

Oh-kay, that’s it for now. I think I’ll go now to go do those things that singles do on a day of being single, such as this. Toodle-oo!

Written by James

37 thoughts on “JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 7)

  1. Waiting for Chizzie to say something shady about the write up…. *sitting comfortably with pop-corn and sprite*

  2. I kinda remember the 45min dude lol….even couples kinda sometimes,take a break for each to reflect and focus..enjoy ur single days period,cus ur abt being swept off ur feet lol..

  3. I get jealous when I see people changing bfs like it’s that easy. I’ve been single for almost like a decade now (exaggerating tho) and I’m so needing me a bf.

    Cool journal James! Like the rest of the crew, I’m awaiting C’s comment. *nothing 2 sip*

  4. Dude just moved into splitsville, and y’all are waiting for Chizzie? Issorait. Er. James, perhaps, now you’re single, you and Chizzie can make it official and get your hoe on together? 😀

  5. This reminded me of a relationship between two high school students. I think issues like this arise when both partners are students or unemployed. In a relationship where both partners work, ( like I and my bf’s hehe) both members are preoccupied with the activities of the day and when they finally do have time for each other. ..its more valued so there really isn’t an avenue for drama and nagging; And seeing as both partners are busy..it always adds a bit of anticipation towards a proposed meet, as opposed to seeing ur bf every single day…I mean!

    that said…eh so I surprisingly enjoyed this! Let’s keep this up Jammy.

    • Unemployed??? Students??? Get real. Your bf(?) is getting bored. Even over-busy ppl CREATE time for who they REALLY want to be with.

      • I don’t assume you’ll understand the dynamics of a relationship btwn two working class adults seeing as ; 1) You are probably unemployed/ a student and two, being an extremely unattractive person, finding and maintaining a relationship is most likely a rarity for u.

      • tsk tsk tsk. I guess what being cute and having a job gets u is a man who waits till heaven-knows-when for meets n calls. He IS busy alright. It must be a full time job trying to avoid u

      • “It must be a full time job trying to avoid you”?…Oh Lawd,swoop down and take me NOW! trystham! That was hot grease! Don’t u know anything about shade etiquette? When someone casts a shade on u,u cast a shade back, not a total solar eclipse! *tears*

      • trying to avoid me yet he rings me evry day..and every weekend we see a movie and have a vicious shag. right. I know its a bit perplexing for u, seeing as u r understandably unattractive and all but just keep praying and ur time will come 🙂

      • YAWN!!!! How convenient. You don’t have to sputter to quickly correct yourself.
        P.S guys also fake orgasms. I’ll bet he cums to thinking about your replacement.

      • LMAO!!! Jisosss!! See vicious bitchy catfighting sha!! abeg Trystham has longer sharper claws, Chizzie is bleeding all over the white carpet … jeez!

      • Il stop indulging u. ..what an unattractive, ,skinny, unemployed, poor looking homosexual with a flat ass thinks abt my relationship isn’t worth being acknowledged

        I hope u find a means of sustenance and sufficient money to feed urself so u don’t come across as wretched all the time, and a man that suddenly wouldn’t become born again as the nauseating thought of u comes to mind .

      • Really????? Plz just stop all this ur gra gra nd leave trystham alone jawe!!! Why are u such an attention seeker??? Plzzzzzzzzzz *rolls eye*

      • The way you wave around the ‘I’ pronoun sef- I have a job, I have a relationship, I have a fat arse, I have smooth skin, I am an intellectual…its like u r trying hard to convince urself you have/are any of these things. Anyway, add ‘I am full of shit’ to your list. That part is true at least.

      • “trying to avoid me yet he rings me evry day..and
        every weekend we see a movie and have a vicious shag” Something about this seems vaguely familiar…….Oh! I know. Some parts came from MY story. Of course u wud add ur jara. Though I can’t imagine someone like you having vicious sex. Prissy, Prim n Proper Chizzie….ole!!!!

      • lol I stole from u? gosh u r so stupid. I know this blog is the only platfrom where u can feign relevance under the mask of animosity. When in reality u are a nobody with nothing good going for you. Just get a life ( dt doesn’t revolve around this blog) and stop being so ugly.

        and pls fuck off…have to get ready for work tmr. some of us have jobs where we meet real ppl and have real friends, and earn an actual living so we can avoid looking poor much like u. ciao!

      • Again with the possessive pronoun. Run along now and sleep (sorry, I meant ‘have to get ready for work tmr’). I’m sure thats where u have ur imaginary job, meeting imaginary ppl n having plenty plenty friends…IN YOUR DREAMS

    • I swear,sometimes I think chizzie just does all this for the attention,lol. I bet he’s just having a good laugh at d general response to his well-calculated trolling. I aint even mad at u tho; d trolling is just hilarious.LMAO

      • Trolling a lil once in a while is okay. Nobody can help being a bitch. But having to be typically Nigerian-mediocre YET not aiming to be better and preventing others from developing themselves, is despicable. He is not dropping ARTICLES yet will not allow ppl with true stories to drop theirs…its not funny abeg

  6. Just like Whitney Houston sang from deep within her soul, you write from deep within your soul. Great,amazing piece James. Loved ut thoroughly!! Please keep it up.
    I almost fell out of.my chair when Chizzie didnt rip this post to shreds. For once, Queen Chizzie actually has something nice to say, #memorableday

    • No ripping,yes,but d shade was there…”Two high school students”?… “Unemployed”? I can’t!lol. That niggah threw more shade than a coconut tree in Hawaii. Chizzie,u know u’re going to hell on a choo-choo train for that one,right?lol

  7. I guess one has to learn to keep people off their backs. Nice piece as always. Just didn’t sound…you???

  8. Regarding the post, I still wonder why guys are so eager to put d label “relationship” on things. Many people seem not to understand what a real relationship means and should be like,yet they’re so quick to yell “RELATIONSHIP” whenever they meet someone they’re attracted to. You can’t keep asking for a relationship if u can’t give d affection and attention needed! At this point,you’d think most guys hav realised that people get “bored” after 3 months,yet they still want to go through d motions over and over again. Nobody will kill u if u’re not in a relationship. Just keep it simple; if u like someone(who likes u back),be frnds,shag,maintain a mutual respect for each other and just flow.putting that label on it usually jinxes stuff. And no,I’m not anti-relationship in advocacy of “slut-hood”(guys in relationships will still whore around anyway…d only difference is that in that case,ur whoredom is hurting someone else)! Phew! That was a mouthful…I need to catch my breath *sips water*

    • To be fair, the need to define anything is important, because next thing you know, you (and probably a gazillion others) are enjoying the other party’s company. If you guys are just keeping it light, then cool. But otherwise, please sit and define, so that we know where to draw the line and who to call a slimy bastard when that line is crossed.

      I’m a romantic, but I believe people slap on the term ‘relationship’ when the sex is too good and they don’t want to share with anyone else.

  9. Is it just me or does Chizzie and Trystham catfight reminds you of Biola and Oscar (or Biola and the guy who can face Biola, I think his name is Deola or something)

    Only this time its not fiction lol

    • Hehehehe. It’s Biola and Yinka. and theirs is nothing as bloody as what Trystham and Chizzie are up to here. Can’t you see the blood all over the carpet? These bitches be bleeding. 🙂

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