There was nothing memorable or extraordinary about the emergence of Gay Smith upon this blue planet. He, like the majority of human entities, was squirted from his mother’s nether after about 9 months of gestation, squealing out his lungs as if some terrible fate had befallen him. His childhood didn’t also hold much excitement compared to that of his peers. However, nothing more than a child’s imagination can make an animated adventure of the humdrum of life. And so it was that Gay Smith sailed from moment to moment of his childhood in bliss, especially as he was blessed with a loving mother who spoiled him with treats and loved to cuddle and kiss him on the lips until as old as he would allow.
His smooth sailing life remained happy until his early teens when he encountered a strange paradox that threatened to drown him and ruin him forever. Summarily put, he liked guys.
Being raised a Christian and being one who loved God and tried to live right, he had been taught that his feelings were of the devil, and so he decided to fight it. And fight he did, with countless days spent in fasting and prayer.
But this devil would simply not leave him. Guys turned him on and girls turned him off. And that was it. After fighting his sexual desire until he was weary, he gave in. What started out as a “sexperiment” was now a full blown lifestyle, but he worked very hard to keep it tightly closeted.
Now aged twenty-four, he had just had a kito experience. His entire family now knew that Gay was gay. The shame was simply unbearable. And so it was with ease that the thought of suicide came to mind. So he got a good rope, stuffed it into his knapsack and sneaked out of the house to look for a lonely spot with a tall tree. As he took the last walk of his life, every detail of his existence since his birth seemed to play before his eyes in slow motion. It all seemed so far away, like a recollection of events that happened in another lifetime.
I am in a dream within a dream. And I will end it today, he thought.
Soon, he walked past a cathedral. It was the church he attended as a child and seeing it brought back memories that just fell short of making things better.
Maybe I should say a last prayer? he mused.
And that was how Gay came to lie prostrate before the giant marble altar of Saint Peter’s cathedral. At first, he lay still, like a corpse, completely immobile. And then, without warning, his body suddenly started jerking convulsively. He was sobbing like he had never done before, crying like he had never seen anyone cry. He screamed out in anguish.
His voice echoed back to him in the empty cathedral. The church was as empty as his very soul. Again he cried out.
Then something totally unexpected happened.
God: Did you call? I am here, Son.
It was a voice. It was loud and clear and seemed to fill his heart, the church and indeed the entire universe. He was very startled by it and jumped up from the marble floor. His eyes quickly scanned all the sections of the cathedral to make sure some mischievous person was not playing tricks on him.
God: I am here, son. It is I, God of all creation. DO NOT BE AFRAID. Stop looking for the source of my voice. I am speaking from inside you, for it is written, “the kingdom of God is within…”
Gay: So where have you been all these years when I needed you? Why have you not answered my cries? I have been through so much pain and I was just about to give up and end it all. Why did you suddenly decide to show up?
God: I have always been with you, living inside you. And darling child, I have an answer to every question you can ever conceive, if only you could even understand. I am looking into your heart and I see that you do not even understand your questions.
Gay: Why did you create me? I never asked to be born!
God: Oh, but you did.
God: I said you did. Dear Gay, there was a time when time was not and all was not but Me. But I AM everything, therefore all WAS, yet it was not. And in that timeless time, I had a bright idea. That idea is what you call the universe. I looked into this idea and in that instant I apprehended the entire history of the world. You usually use the flash bulb as a symbolic representation of a brain wave. I had something close to that; a flashbulb instantaneous idea! A brilliant one, if I do say so myself. I looked into it and saw the universe exploding into existence…the galaxies and the supernovas, the black holes and the solar systems, the eternal dance between matter and antimatter. And yes, I saw the blue planet. I apprehended immediately its total history. I danced joyfully to an orchestra composed of numberless laughter and drowned in an ocean of the sum of humanity’s tears. I saw great wars but I also saw great peace. Yes, I saw you too. After seeing all this, I decided to let my idea be, because greater than evil is the gift of opportunity irrespective of how it is used. And the opportunity used for evil is followed by an opportunity for repentance and growth. So I decided that opportunity was better than nothingness.
Gay: So it was You that decided! Not me!
He was sobbing.
God: If you can remember, I said I had an idea called the universe?
God: Now that idea was in my mind (I did not have a mind then but I’m using language you can relate to), therefore the idea was inside Me and was a part of Me. The idea was Me and is Me. And it is rightly written, “In Him we live and move and have our being.” You and I are not separate. We can never be. Therefore, the decision was OURS. So you did choose to be born! I know this is hard for you to accept.
Gay: You are right. I don’t understand. It sounds meaningless.
God: (laughs) As it should sound when I speak to you, for the wisdom of God is foolishness to man. But that is not what bothers you at the moment.
Gay: I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate EVERYTHING!
Gay: Why am I gay? It is written in your word that homosexuality is a sin. So why am I gay? I did not choose to be this way! Please change my sexuality, I beg of you! Erase my past and bury my shame!
He burst into fresh tears.
God: Oh, dear child! I made you as you are. And you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Gay: But You wrote it in Your word that a man should not lie with a man as with a woman. It was very clear. And I know God’s word is unchanging and eternal. How am I sure You are God?
There came a burst of laughter, thunderous bellows.
God: As far as the heavens are from the earth, so far is My way from yours. It amuses Me ad infinitum how you children of Mine try to cage Me in a system of ideas. You don’t have the faintest idea of the vastness and complexity of My being. Do you know how many eternities have passed before I conceived of your universe? Dear child, the truth is that you are all so ignorant of the Truth and of reality. And oh, I’m not angry! Not in the least. You are all so young compared to Me, so I understand. But, you assume to know so much when you know so little. What amuses Me even more is your arrogance in ignorance!
Now know this. The universe you live in is about MOTION. Without motion, there would be no universe. MOTION is LIFE. Nothing is still in the universe. There is always a FLOWING. Flowing waters are fresh and stagnant pools stink. Anything that tends towards a cessation of motion tends towards death. That is why when you die, you lie totally still. I am a Spirit and earth is My nursery of gods. My intention is to groom and nurse you into the gods that I have made you to be. Now this is a PROCESS, a step by step progression towards the certain height, a flowing that is FORWARD. But how can I teach you something new when you cling so ferociously to everything old? Now you see why it was written that you should not put new wine into old skin because the skin would burst and both the wine and the skin would be wasted. You have become stagnated in your ideas about Me and the world and that makes grooming you very difficult.
Gay: One of my favourite songs in Sunday school was “gimme that old time religion”…
God: Listen very carefully; there is a time for everything, time to flow with religion and a time to flow against it.
Gay: Oh my God!
God: I’m right here, dear.
Gay: I can’t believe You said that!
God: But I just did.
Gay: It’s wrong to flow contrary to the church and its doctrine!
God: Now this is funny because that is exactly what Jesus (whom you claim to follow) did.
Gay had no response. He was silent, thinking.
God: Yes, my son! Think! Of all the persons in the bible, only Jesus was bold enough to declare, “It was written…but verily, verily I say unto thee!” He flowed against religion and called out its leaders because the old religion had outlived its purpose. It had become a YOKE on the people rather than a lifter of BURDENS. He spoke out RHEMA, a new truth for the MOMENT! You took that truth and wrote it down and have not moved from it for 2000 years, and That, my child, is STAGNATION, a tendency towards cessation of motion. If you are truly a Christian, act like one!
Gay: So it’s okay for me to be gay?
God: Yes it is, because I made you that way. You are beautiful and perfect, just the way you are!
Gay: Okay, let me attempt to flow forward with you. Tell me why it is okay to be gay.
God: It is okay because I made you so. Do you remember choosing to be gay? No. Of course when I say “I made it so” I also mean “we made it so” because you and I are one. Don’t get confused, stay with me
Gay: I’m trying, Father.
God: Good. Secondly, I wonder why you think the Ancient Of Days is so deeply concerned with how you use your penis and vagina. Just imagine me leaving all eternity to descend into time and all I want to tell you is, “Do not put your penis into the spot marked Y. Put it only into the spot marked X.” Like seriously? So why did I give you free will in the first place? What do you think I am? An eternal busy-body? Omnipresent meddler? THINK, MY CHILD. The paradox is OBVIOUS! Such an idea is simply absurd. Now this is what you hold onto so dearly and can even kill for! Very sad! Does a father worry about how children use their toys?
I didn’t mean sex toys, so get your mind out of the gutter!
There was another rumble of laughter.
God: Now I know you are shocked that I seem not to care about your sex life. I do care, more than you can ever imagine, because I love you and care about you deeply. But my care for you is not in the manner you think. Children who play under the watchful eye of their father have no fear. I am there when you play because I am everywhere. You struggle so hard to please Me, but there is something you don’t realise.
God: I am always pleased with you.
God: YES! Now think of a being that is capable of the greatest love conceivable, a being whose love for mankind is an infinity of infinities. A being who is the personification of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, a love that never dies. Now would such a being stop loving you at any point? Would such a being stop loving you because you have sinned?
God: So why have you not thought or believed that I am such a being? We agree, I hope, that unconditional love is the highest kind of love. And God is the highest of all beings, yet the God which you conceive loves you with condition. Who then is this other being (if not me) whose love is eternally unconditional? If you have sinned, this is it. If you have blasphemed, this is it. You have not ascribed to me the wisdom and glory that is due my name, the personification of unconditional love. Man’s love is always based on condition. “If you do this or that, I’ll love you.” Now the love of the God you have conceived of sounds so much like yours! So have you made God in your own image and likeness.
God: Yes, wow. Now know this: even if you were to die on top of another man, my love for you will not change.
God: Yes. Because that is the only thing I can’t do. I CAN’T STOP LOVING YOU. I JUST CANT. I CANT EVEN TRY.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Written by Sensuous Sensei